Day 1 – Something I Hate About Myself

The one thing I hate about myself the most is my inability to not care so much about other’s feelings toward me and about me. It sounds harsh but let me explain. It’s utterly exhausting sometimes being so concerned about what people think of me. Especially those so close to me. It changes how I act, it makes me second guess the things I say and the decisions I make. Because of this, I also avoid confrontation wherever possible and I’ve made some heavy decisions based on not being able to be the “bad guy”. Even now, I’ve withdrawn and I’m avoiding the conversation that will change my life forever. Because I don’t want to see the pain he’s going to say I caused him, breaking his heart and destroying his life. I want him to own up and tell me that we can work through it in some way or fashion. It just won’t be constructive to throw it back and forth about who did what. And for what? It won’t change anything. It kills me that my final act of mercy will have to be taking full responsibility for ruining everything. It hurts me deep inside now, just thinking about it. It makes me ill that I’m going to have to live with someone who will hate me from the depths of his core and knowing this, he will twist that knife at every turn even though we both know it will free us up to be who we really want to be and with the people we really belong with. I wish I could walk through life not being so sensitive about what they are thinking of me. I’m better than I used to be. I’ve come a long way out of the shell I put myself in years ago but it’s still so frustrating that it’s so hard to be true to myself and the ones I love out of this fear.

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