Master and I have discussed this multiple times, I know he knows the gist of it despite me being somewhat vague and never spilling details. I’ve told him about transgressions I’ve had in the past, way before him. Some Red knows about and some he doesn’t. I don’t feel part of forgiveness is to hurt the person you transgressed against by revealing all in hopes they will forgive you. You need to forgive yourself.
The part of me that loves being desired and loved found it difficult to avoid temptation when it presented itself. I will say that I’ve learned how to do this as I’ve gotten older. Some of the issues, I think, that didn’t help were feeling bored, unfulfilled and wanting to be adventurous. I’ve told Master that I went thru a narcissistic phase, looking only to get what I wanted without thinking about the consequences. It all ended up catching up with me and came tumbling down on my head, which seemed to knock some sense back into me.
I know I haven’t fully forgiven myself for my actions because when Red throws it at me while we are fighting, all I want to do is hang my head in shame. Now it’s truly come full circle whereas he cannot touch me without thinking about my past or be intimate with me and not imagine me with him. If Red will never really forgive me then I must find a way to fully forgive myself and leave it in the past.