I believe that everyone has a philosophy of life that they live by, be it explicit or implicit, meaning they know and acknowledge it or it just runs in the background. I would venture to say that it is always some combination of the two, regardless, these philosophies can and will have a profound impact on everything we do in our daily lives. For some people, life is just about survival. They muddle through each day, kind of the best they can, just to get to the end, sleep and start all over. This is all too easy a rut in which to fall. I don’t think anyone starts out saying to themselves that they just want to survive. But through shitty jobs, shitty relationships, shitty choices, shitty circumstances, we resign ourselves to survival. (Hold that thought!)
Kitty, my wife, and I have always had our sexual issues. Mostly they revolved around my need/desire to have a lot of sex, and her innate lack of desire. This has been a real struggle for us throughout our 12 years together. I had always assumed that her lack of desire was somehow my fault or her punishing me for having done something or not done something. But we both just muddled through… we loved (and still love) each other, so we would make sacrifices, because that’s what you do, right? No one can give you everything you need, so you make the best of what you have, and hopefully do more than survive.
Once we started this adventure into opening our marriage and the poly life, it became clear that this difference in sexual desire was merely a symptom of a much deeper difference. Kitty is not a physically affectionate person with very many people, she just doesn’t like to be touched. I never realized this until well into our marriage, as I was always allowed to touch her whenever I wanted. For Kitty…this is love… the sacrifice we make for one another, the support, the kindness, and the affection. For me…that is friendship… for me, love is deeply rooted in an overwhelming desire to be physically intimate, and by that I mean sex and sexual activities. For so many years we didn’t understand each other. I didn’t understand that she WAS loving me…just in the way that she could. Kitty would want to snuggle up in bed before going to sleep, without having had sex, and I would have a physiological reaction. I would get a knot in my belly and become agitated and angry. I thought she didn’t love me, or desire me. She was loving me how she could, but I didn’t understand. I thought…she didn’t really love me, so I would withdraw and build walls to protect myself.
It was Baby Doll who started to help me understand that this is what was happening. Because Baby Doll is much like me and Red is much like Kitty, she understood that they can’t handle the level of intimacy that we crave, desire, need. It was not only the frequency of sex, but the “quality”, not meaning good or bad, but…the level of intimacy. We like to kiss and touch and have 2-3 hour long sessions of foreplay, touching, kissing, and making love. For Kitty and Red, that becomes overwhelming, draining, almost distressing. It’s just too much for them. This realization helped us all to understand why the new partners just “clicked”. There is no physical, intimate, love dissonance between them. The new partners just understand, because they are the same.
This brings me full circle to the beginning of this post… in the end, we were all just surviving on some level. Baby Doll and I were dissatisfied with our sexual lives, and let our spouses know it. I would even get so agitated with the lack of sex, I would start to cut Kitty off from other affection. Baby Doll would lash out and make Red mad to get attention. We would push to get what we wanted and they would withdraw and feel unloved. Surviving… But now, now we have the opportunity to be with people who truly understand us. Kitty keeps telling me how Red is an open book to her and she to him! I have struggled everyday for 12 years to understand what is going on in her head! Baby Doll knows exactly when something has flashed across my mind, I know when she is hiding something she really wants to say…open books! A gift, an opportunity.
You may be wondering, then what is my philosophy of life. Again, Baby Doll helped me put it into words:
1. All of life is foreplay. I spend all day everyday flirting with everyone I come across, to one extent or another. I just find it to invigorating. A good way to connect with people, to make them feel important, to enhance my relationships, and simply to have fun.
2. The day isn’t done without sex (sexual activity). For me, I just don’t feel like the day is over without making love, having a good BDSM session, hard fucking, a BJ, eating some pussy… it really doesn’t matter… it’s about the connection, the play, the coming back together. I am 37, with the sexual appetite of an 18 year old and the stamina of a 40 year old (meaning I can go and go!). I have spent the last 12 years of my life having sex maybe 3 times a month, now its 5-7 times a week! I’m a happy Master.
I thank the heavens that Baby Doll has come to me… she shares this philosophy… now if our bodies can keep up with our desires!