Day 4 – Something I Need to Forgive Someone For

My mother always said you keep your marital problems to yourself, even from family members because the more you complain about your spouse, the dumber you start to look when people wonder if they’re so bad, why do you stay? She always said when her first marriage broke up, people were shocked. I’ve tended to follow that philosophy and really kept my issues with Red between us.

Master is one of the first people to really see Red and how we treat each other. It took me a long time to see and then admit it to myself that we don’t have a healthy marriage. I tried to tell him on occassion how I felt but it ended in wars because Red is perfect, he does no wrong and whatever wrong you might be trying to bring up to him, he will throw it right back at you saying you do the same thing. Sort of along the same lines as a grade school child chanting,  “I know you are but what am I?” You never win, but walk away defeated, feeling like that was a total waste of time and energy.

Perhaps we were too young and stayed together despite the problems. Or we couldn’t admit we had problems but buried ourselves in each other, isolated from everyone. I know I pushed aside my desires, figuring this was going to be the rest of my life. Then we had children and I told myself to grow up and be a mother. That part of being a mother was to shove ME deep down inside and do what was best for the family. At one point I got bored/tired/selfish…whatever it was and decided I wanted and needed more. I was not fulfilled. I came across the philosophy of polyamory and fell instantly in love with it. I knew deep inside Red was not giving me everything I needed. I didn’t fault him for it and I actually gave him more credit than I should have, that he was more confident and secure with himself and us than he actually is. We started talking about opening up our marriage and at first it was only girls allowed. Not uncommon among married couples. We dated a woman briefly, that flopped and then I ended up pregnant. After the twins,  we again talked and he agreed to go more casual this time and we started talking to a couple.  A swinging couple. Long story short, that ended badly as well. And it took a while to move past that. But we never moved past it. Red never worked thru the problems it created or shone a light on. He just buried it and led me to believe all was well in paradise.

Now it’s been thrown at me several times how he went along with swinging and then poly because he was afraid he was going to lose me if he didn’t. I’ve never found this to be fair of him since I never said any such things or even insinuated it. Did he lie to me? Was he leading me on that this was something he wanted as well when he didn’t really? It’s infuriating to me that he couldn’t straight up tell me what he was thinking. So infuriating that I’ve never forgiven him for deceiving me into thinking he was good with  opening our marriage when he wasn’t really and then accusing me of not being able to stay faithful to him. At some point I might be able to forgive him for it, but for the time being, I may end up eternally pissed off at Red for not being as honest with me as I expected and throwing it in my face afterwards as if it’s a flaw of mine.

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