Since I’ve been feeling under the weather and having a hard time getting rid of this junk, Master and I haven’t had very many good days in the last week. It’s not been either one our faults, just how it’s been of late. But last night was one of the bad ones.
Him & Kitty were fighting again. After dinner, I left the house for a little bit and came back to them arguing off in the other room so I stayed with the kids. Red & I ended up arguing via text right around the same time. He’s been distant lately, which has given me the opportunity to breathe a little bit. But he came back around full swing, asking me what’s going on, if he’s lost me for good, what happened to us, etc. And when I told him that I needed time, he told me NO, he wanted an answer right now. That only angered me because it’s always on his terms. He can take days, weeks, or months to figure things out but then I say I need some time and he doesn’t respect me enough to give it to me. And I told him as much.
After the kids went to bed, I went to our room. Not feeling 100% also means I’m not in the mood to be around grumps either, making me feel worse in other ways. I laid down and watched a show, only going out to potty, at which time I heard Kitty saying how she doesn’t feel like part of the family and how Master and I talk SO much and then Master replying that no, we don’t talk that much anymore. That stung a little. Does he feel like he isn’t getting enough of my attention? I don’t know…I slinked back into the room. He came in a little while later, in a foul mood, laid down with me and said he was going to sleep. Hmm ok. Eventually he did roll over and go to sleep. I felt like I was in bed with Red. I suppose we were both ignoring each other, hoping the other would….make the first move? When I finally turned out the light and laid down, that only pissed him off further and Master stormed out and went downstairs. Leaving me alone again. I didn’t want to be alone and I was suffering under the weight of it being completely unfair we have a bad night because of Kitty. At that moment, I wanted to throttle her and throw her out the window. One or two good days and she’s back to being Captain Insano. I know it isn’t fair of me to expect it not to affect Master’s relationship with me but at the same time, I just don’t understand why she can’t pull her shit together. We try to hang out together and she’s off in the corner with her nose in the phone, not talking, not being social. I go upstairs to give them time to talk or whatever and they end up fighting. I know it sounds selfish but I get upset with that because it ruins my night with Master. There’s no right answer, there’s no winning. It’s hard living with someone who’s always unhappy. Oh wait….who am I to say that? My spouse isn’t far off. Any little thing sets him in a mood but guess what? He gets out of the house and goes to work. Kitty is ALWAYS home. And then complains about always being home. At what point is her happiness anyone else’s responsibility?
Just when I was about to go downstairs to get Master, she came out. Just coincidence, I know that. But it upset me nonetheless. I hid in the closet until I heard him come back in and crawl into bed. Eventually I went and laid down with him again and he cuddled up to me. I tried to hold the waterworks back but I lost. We stayed up talking later than we should have. Master apologized, I didn’t want his apology. Just his affection. He’s unhappy and frustrated. I’m not necessarily unhappy but I am frustrated. It’s both our nature to want to fix the problems in the house but I’ve come to start thinking, Kitty and Red need to start taking ownership of their feelings. If they want to feel part of the family, then BE part of the family. Don’t go slinking off into a corner and ignoring everyone just to turn around and say Master and I make a family. Yes, we are family oriented people. It’s no one’s fault that we work well together, we have the same goals and want the same things done at the end of the night. We just are that way. If Kitty and Red want to start fixing anything, they’ve got to be willing to communicate and iron out goals and actually work towards that. But until then…it is what it is. I’ve tried to ask for family meetings and I get ignored. So I give up.
Right now, our house as a whole, is just surviving. At least the children are doing well!! Maybe we could take some lessons from them. My relationship with Master is thriving, I feel, we are growing and loving each other more each day. My marriage is choking on itself. Red just wants to bury our issues and pretend it’s all ok until he gets mad and throws it back at me and tells again and again how I’ve hurt him. Red & Kitty….hell, I don’t know. Both of them are so mysterious and private about their relationship. Master and Kitty are suffering because she can’t let go or figure out exactly what she expects from him…The metamours just tolerate each other because in any other situation we wouldn’t really be well-suited for each other as friends. Not to say we don’t get along but is it true friendship?
There we have it, Folks….a struggling poly quad….if we can still call each other that.