Conversation Starter…

Scenario: You have hurt your spouse or significant other on a deep and fundamental level. You cheated, you lied, you did something on a deep level… You either confessed or they found out, for this discussion I don’t think it really matters… You have apologized, made some sort of atonement, and given him/her time to heal. Yet, your spouse is unable to move past it. They constantly remind you of your indiscretion, of the hurt you caused them. They are unable to forgive you.

Questions:

  1. How much time is enough time to allow for healing? days, months, years? In the mean time, how do you regain your self-respect and dignity?
  2. If they cannot forgive, is it your duty/obligation to stay with them since you were the one who made the mistake? To take whatever punishment they dole out?
  3. Does your mistake and their subsequent inability to forgive turn make the relationship toxic, and thus better for both people to end it?
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12 thoughts on “Conversation Starter…

  1. I’m not sure about the first two, but yes on the last one. Your relationship has issues that need resolving before it gets to cheating and lying, but if that happens and your partner can’t forgive, the both of you are better off single.

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  2. What great questions. Having had a conversation close to this one here is my opinion.

    How much time is enough time to allow for healing? days, months, years? In the mean time, how do you regain your self-respect and dignity?

    The healing needs to be for you. You need to forgive yourself. You cannot control of your partner forgives. However if you feel you have shown remorse and have apologized you cannot be expected to be belittled and scolded forever. If you’re asking how long it probably has been long enough.

    If they cannot forgive, is it your duty/obligation to stay with them since you were the one who made the mistake? To take whatever punishment they dole out?

    If they are unable to truly forgive and move past it then it’s not a healthy relationship. It’s not good for anyone to stay. I don’t believe you stay for punishment. You don’t stay for kids. You don’t stay cause you messed up. You stay cause there is a relationship to be had. If there isn’t then there’s nothing to stay for.

    Does your mistake and their subsequent inability to forgive turn make the relationship toxic, and thus better for both people to end it?

    Yes the relationship becomes toxic. It becomes a cancer to you both. You have to be able to breathe. To think. You have a right to be happy. If they want to feel on the mistake hen that’s their thing it doesn’t have to be yours.

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  3. Thanks Angel! I think this is going to be one of our great projects in our relationship. Baby Doll is very sensitive and has been told for far too long that she doesn’t matter. I’m here to show her everyday that she matters! – Master A

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  4. She is in good hands. She does matter. There is a lot of healing that needs to happen. This should be a good place you’re all in. Poly in theory has built in support. You have other people there to turn to when you’re down when you’re sick when you feel like you’re just not understanding something. But when you have a constant negativity in the house it’s going to make that happy peaceful calm feeling come through. I speak from a little bit of experience with that. We had a very negative person in our Poly and it made life excruciatingly painful. Baby doll mentioned in her other post about taking a note from the kids and that is absolutely the best idea you guys could do. Take a lesson from the kids and find the positive in each other find a reason to be happy and I know it is hard I know but it hurts and I know that it is a very hard choice to make in the morning when you know that walking out that door is just going to be hard but if it’s a fight worth Worth having if it’s a fight for your happiness for your piece it’s completely worth it and you should have just an amazing home if everybody would have this the same positive feeling. Hopefully that made sense I felt like I was rambling a little bit

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  5. Here is my learning and reading about #1 – someone said that as a betrayed you don’t get punched in the nose and then told how long you will bleed for – you just bleed for as long as it takes to stop. The answer can be years….many many years. To regain dignity show love, understanding, and kindness at all times toward your spouse/significant other. Show them most of all respect for yourself, them and your union. It would be impossible for you to stay in a chronically remorseful state but every once in awhile once trust has been regained is okay.

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    1. Thank you for your comment! I would be curious to hear your thoughts on what to do if you, as the betrayer, are not being respected and are being punished while the betrayed is bleeding? Again, thanks for participating!

      Liked by 1 person

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