Grief, Sex, and Marriage

Baby Doll and I are extremely sexual beings. It just is who we are. Neither of us feel like apologizing for it anymore, or being denied.  Our little quad has gone through and is still going through some serious upheavals right now.  We just recently went 7-0, meaning the new partners are full-time, none of us have any nights with our spouses. I have come to the realization that this is not only for the best, but now it is impossible to go back.

Yesterday, Kitty and I were at my Dad’s for Sunday dinner with our biological kids and some family friends.  It was an awkward affair at best, in that Kitty and I didn’t hold hands on the entire hour ride over there, nor did we really speak, despite having made several efforts at least for some chit chat. At the end of dinner Kitty was on FB and discovered that one of our dear friends whom we don’t see often had died unexpectedly, she was only 35 with a 7 year old daughter! But it’s FB, it could be a hoax. Thankfully I am friends on FB with one of her friends that I knew would have the truth about the situation and unfortunately it turned out to be true. It is a sad day for all of us who knew this bright shining star. For me the grief is double, in that I am grieving for the loss of this beautiful woman, for the suffering that her daughter will now have to endure, but also for the inability for Kitty and I to even really grieve together. We did a little, but we have so completely let go, and have so many little hurts and bullshit between us, that we can’t even come together to grieve in a genuine way. I feel the separation between us, it is palpable. In the end it will be better if we can all just let go, but that is the question.  What does a friendship between myself and Kitty even look like. She accuses me of treating her like she doesn’t even matter… I don’t know. So much of the bullshit that I have always hated about our life together, I could overlook because I was “in love”,  now it is glaring and I am unable to overlook it. How can I be happy with a woman, be friends with a woman, that in so many instances infuriates me (always has)?  Baby Doll, says I just have to let go and accept, if for no other reason than for the kids!  She’s right of course!

While all of this was going on, Red and Baby Doll were having their own discussions…if Red and Kitty want to have a baby then we all need to do paperwork (divorce and remarried). Red and Kitty and in fact all of us for that matter have talked about babies from the second or third month of being together. But the reality of it is, insurance, rights and obligations to the kid and mother…all become very sticky. So let’s do the paperwork, apparently Red didn’t balk, he kind of understood.

…and what does it even matter anyway, none of the spouses are having sex!  Each spouse couple has only had sex once or twice in the last 6-8 weeks!!! What is marriage without sex??  Sure there are companion marriages out there…but for people like Baby Doll and me, it is not a possibility! Baby Doll asked what it was they had if they weren’t having sex, he replied “Well its still a marriage.” Neither Baby Doll nor myself agree with this at all.  For both of us, what separates and friendship from a marriage or lovers is sex!  Red actually told Baby Doll, that they were still lovers!  On what fucking planet!? You don’t want to touch her, for whatever reasons, you are not her lover! You may have been at one time, but not any more. I find it selfish for Red to want to hold on to Baby Doll, keep her as his wife, to prevent her from moving on, when he can’t and won’t give here what she needs! “Is sex really that important to you?” Red…you’ve known Baby Doll for 16 years!!! How can you even ask that question with a straight face?  I know men are supposed to be a little ignorant when it comes to feelings and all…but that is a little ridiculous! I’ve known Baby Doll for 7 months, and within the first month I knew exactly how she felt about sex!

I had another epiphany last night… if Kitty and Red want to try to start having a baby in Spring of 2016, then we all need to do the paperwork this summer… why might you ask?  Health insurance…open enrollment is in November, so it all needs to be done in time for that!

So, in the end, what is left of either of the marriages? History, children, debt, obligation, responsibility… I would like to say friendship, but at the moment, that’s pretty fucking tentative.

I want to build a life with Baby Doll. I want to take her to my family functions. Which is not a possibility, according to my Stepmother, while Baby Doll is just my “Mistress”. How do I build this new life, while the old life is still clinging to me?  Red and Kitty need to make a life together, need to make their own family together. That’s not to say that we can’t/won’t all raise the kids together, hopefully live right next door…but this fantasy of all of living under the same roof for the rest of our lives…

In my book, there is no starting over from here, there is no “getting back to a good place”.  I have no interest in looking back, moving backward, holding on to something that’s broken.  I want to move forward. I want to be happy. I want to let go and be let go of.  I want to find a way for Kitty and I to find a friendship without a marriage, for Red and Baby Doll to have the same. I believe we can do it, but it will be a hard journey!

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