Baby Doll and Red fought again last night, I guess it was their turn. When I got to our room I knew it had been bad, but Baby Doll didn’t want to talk. I coaxed it out of her. Red had yet again told her her feelings were “bullshit”, and turned right around and said how much he “loved” her. She asked me, “Couldnt that be love?” “But what if that is the only way he knows how to love?” I was floored, shocked, and scared for my Baby Doll! I knew Red had done damage, but I hadn’t thought it was this insidious. For someone who loves me so well, how can she not know what love is and isn’t? So I gave her these assignments…
I have received two assignments from Master this week. This being the first. He wants me to understand more fully what love is and more importantly, what love isn’t.
“Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get – only what you are expecting to give – which is everything” Katharine Hepburn
Love is…..what is love? A chemical reaction of the heart, of the soul? Some say love is no different than the feeling of eating mass quantities of chocolate. My gut reaction is to say love can be painful….when you love someone so intensely, it almost hurts or when they hurt you. Just like the fine line between pain and pleasure. Love is seeing that person walk into your life and you know he will do anything to have you, make you happy, love you, make you the best version of you that you can be. But when does that love cross the fine line from pleasure to pain, when does love start to leave scars on your soul? Love shouldn’t make you feel guilty, love shouldn’t make you feel worthless or scared. It doesn’t make you want to squirrel your lover away from the rest of the world so that they can focus only on you. Love makes you proud of the person you’re with, show them off, kiss them in public. Love is feeling like there isn’t anything in the world that could hurt you. It’s feeling like you’re the most beautiful creature on earth, it’s happiness, it’s confidence, it gives your heart wings. In doing some research per Master’s orders, I read one author’s idea that love is an act of self-sacrifice. Unless it’s motivated by ego. If the act is making you feel better, it’s ego and NOT love. Love is also not attachment. Attachment feels, looks and even has an element of love in it but it’s more about ego, which makes it selfish and love isn’t selfish.
Master’s love brought me out of my shell, brought me out of a depression I didn’t even know I had sunk into. His love made me glow again with youth and vitality. And now He’s making me see who I have become. He wants me to see that I deserve to be loved and cared for, just as much as I love and care for those I love.
I fell in love with Red a very long time ago. He was the most amazing boy I had ever known. And also my second boyfriend. (Huh, maybe I should have dated a little more.) He doted on me, started seeing me almost every day, he was beautiful and protective and older. He introduced me to worlds I didn’t know existed. I was young and excited and in love. Maybe from the beginning he saw in me a scared little girl, scared of hurting others, of being alone. I didn’t leave. I kept telling myself there was no reason to leave. I was in love. He didn’t leave. Was I weak? I was weak and powerless when it came to him. The most common attribute of a submissive is the desire to please. I was always afraid of displeasing or disappointing Red. He’s a controlling dominant, but not the good kind. He’s manipulative and doesn’t care about the care that goes into having a subbie, he likes having a servant to do what he wants. But he doesn’t believe in nor does he have any interest in a D/s relationship, much less a healthy D/s relationship. He has a hold on me so deep, that trying to pull it out of me feels like I’m ripping myself in half. It is NOT love to tell me my feelings are bullshit and tells me he wants me to love him again. His desire for ME to love HIM is selfish and it’s about ego and attachment. That isn’t love. It’s control. He misses his doormat and will say anything to make me lay at his feet again. His ego and attachment to me has been slowly poisoning my soul and squeezing the life out of my heart. Now it’s my job to learn to start cutting away at those ties, free myself from Red’s egotistical attachment and accept love from the one that I truly love..
Baby Doll…this is beautiful and heart wrenching at the same time… You have embraced every piece of this assignment in a powerful way. I hope you can start to believe and internalize your own words to start healing. I love you Baby Doll…