When a person hears the word abuse, it carries with it a shock factor. “I was abused” is quite the statement and elicits an automatic sympathetic response. There are so many forms and levels of abuse that any one of us can probably claim to have been abused at some point in our lives by someone.
I don’t want anyone’s sympathy and I don’t want to demonize Red but the reality is I have been living with some form or another of emotional abuse from him. I knew his mother before she passed away and I saw how she treated him and he’s carried on the traits. He has not broken the cycle. I was afraid it could happen but didn’t see it happening until I was drowning in it. And even then, it took Master’s insight for me to see it fully.
Master says I’m not broken nor am I allowed to think of myself as such. I’m damaged and I have healing to do. I have to break the cycles of defending Red and accepting his abuse. I have to learn to recognize the traits so that I can stop it from happening to our girls. Red isn’t a BAD man and he’s a good father. He’s a great disciplinarian, better than me. I have a huge soft spot, especially for my twins. But it’s important to break that cycle at some point.
Red’s forms of abuse have looked mostly like this: refusal to properly communicate with me, ignoring or excluding me from parts of his life, use of sarcasm and unpleasant tones of voice when he isn’t happy, extreme moodiness, domination & control (closer to manipulation), withdrawal of affection, guilt trips, making everything my fault and isolating me from friends and family. All of these things have resulted in an unhealthy relationship and the gradual breakdown of my happiness. I made it my responsibility to try at whatever lengths to make him happy. I’m a natural enabler because I want to fix what’s wrong and make my loved ones happy. Red took full advantage of this. Now that I have begun to stop my cycles of enabling him and learning to refuse to allow him to affect me so much, he’s taking it as I don’t love or care about him anymore. Which isn’t true at all. I will always love and care about him, we raised each other essentially and have been through so much. We have our girls together and will forever be in each other’s lives. I just cannot allow the emotional ties to strangle me anymore. We are not a good fit.
The reality is I thrive with Master and have told him this more than a few times. His gentle and caring control and domination is what I need in my life. His ability to see INTO me, to coax me into talking, to LOVE me in the exact way I need to be loved and cared for is unparalleled by anyone else. Now it’s just a matter of how and when Red will set me free..