I had an emotional night last night. Again. Red and I were chatting casually, about the girls and discussing Easter Sunday. I asked to make sure he was coming to my parents’ house and he kept asking me if I want him too. So many times that I thought my text messages on my phone was acting up. Finally I just straight told him, YES, I think he should come. Anyway, then he asked, why….why did all this happen. That one question, on top of him reminding me again that I crushed him…just tore me up all over again. When Master came in, I was laying on our bed watching a movie. He tried to cuddle up and kiss me. I asked him for a couple of minutes and he respectfully gave it to me. Then he coaxed me into talking. I just started crying. There’s this knot of anger inside me. Anger from the fact that my side, my point of view, my feelings will never get validated by Red. Never. He will always be the victim and I will always be the liar, the cheater, the woman who broke his heart, who crushed him etc etc etc. It isn’t fair. And I don’t care how childish that sounds but damnit, it isn’t. We all make mistakes, we all do things we shouldn’t, but I have to walk away from this marriage carrying the weight of fault because Red can’t own his end.
We haven’t had a session in just about a month. My cough has just barely gone away. Master’s allergies were bothering Him for quite some time as well. We normally don’t go two weeks let alone four… And as hard as Master pushes me, our sessions are definitely not for the faint of heart. Soon after I calmed down, Master asked me if wanted sex or a session, I told Him I didn’t know. So He made the decision for me. He wanted a session. And it wasn’t like I didn’t…..I was just scared of having one having gone for so long without one. It hurts. I love it but I knew how bad it was going to hurt and no matter how much I enjoy it, I still get physically nervous about the pain. I was a bad girl. I told Him No. Several times. And I knew He was getting upset and frustrated with me but I kept saying no anyway. Until He turned away from me and I knew if I didn’t breakdown and submit, I would be in even bigger trouble. Maybe not that night but Master wouldn’t let me slide for long. I took out Oakey, Leatherman and Mr. Grey and found the gag. After taking some good whacks from Leatherman while sucking His cock, Master gagged me and instructed me to get on my knees. I know He wasn’t even giving me maybe half His normal power with any of our toys but it didn’t take me long before I was a sobbing mess as Master fucked me. Wave after wave of emotion broke over me as He used me for his pleasure. Afterwards, He unbuckled the gag and took me in His arms and a torrent of tears and sobs came flooding out. It exhausted me and in the end, it was for the best. It was the only thing that was really going to get the hurt out enough so I could sleep peacefully in His arms…..and that’s exactly what I did. And Master too. Once we curled up and slept, l don’t think either of us moved all night until the sun rose.