Know Thy Tools

Baby Doll always says that a good Master should know what all his/her tools feel like… Well now I do… We let the Dark Princess out to play every once in a while. And she got her hall pass yesterday morning!

The Caniac

It arrived. The most evil toy we have yet to own. It’s a small cane with a rubber handle, thin. Made out of redwood. The Caniac has become one of Master’s favorite. We haven’t used it in a full session yet nor have we had a full session in our new place. I’m not certain it’s really a session toy but just Master’s torture device to torment me. It STINGS!!!  much different than a flogger or paddle or His hands. It doesn’t take much to make me whine and squir m when Master whacks me with it. And THEN he gets this evil grin and giggle the more I whine and beg. I’m glad I got it for Him because I know He loves it so but it’s EVIL!

Peace…at last

Master and I are moved in. We are once again the King and queen of our own domain. No sharing space, responsibilities, etc etc. No more hiding in our room to avoid other adults in the house we don’t want to interact with. It only took three and a half months for the poly house to completely fall apart. I’ve told myself to look at it as an experience. And what an experience it was!

The move was exhausting. Master and I pretty much did it all on our own, with some help from my parents and the use of my father’s truck. But the nice thing was not having to worry about the place we moved out of. The cleaning and inspection, no need because Red & Kitty stayed in the house. Red was actually really decent with me, being playful and friendly. That’s the man that I’ve missed. I haven’t seen him in so long, it’s nice that he came out again. Hopefully he can keep that up.

Our new place is almost all set up. Except for a mishap with the bunk beds for the girls, the remainder of our clothes, a tv and one more piece of kids furniture, we’re done. The kids have already stayed one night and they will be staying again tonight. Next week the new official kid schedule will start. I do miss them. It’s hard when they aren’t there. I miss their smiles, hugs and kisses. But we will all adjust. They seem to be doing fine so far. The littlest is struggling a little but I think he will be fine too, especially once the schedule is fully in place.

Tomorrow is my birthday. I took the day off work, I try to never work on my birthday. I don’t think anyone should. It’s their day. We will have the kids for the day and we are planning on taking them on a really awesome picnic. Then we will return them to Red & Kitty’s house Friday afternoon and head to dinner with my parents that evening. Afterwards…to a local swinger’s house. I don’t know if you can call it a club exactly. Maybe. Not sure if either of us are really hoping or planning on playing but we decided to go for the fun of it. Explore together, see how the evening progresses. I know there’s a “couples only” area upstairs. We did discuss a little about limits and Master mentioned soft swap only, if things go that way. I don’t disagree, I think that would be a good introduction for us and to see how well we handle it. I’m nervous and excited all at once.

One of my friends that I work with, she mentioned that I have some making up to do for the last couple of months that I’ve withdrawn from everyone in the midst of trying to deal with the divorces and forging a new relationship with Master. I’ve been thinking about it off and on since then and I’ve come to think maybe she could have asked me if I was ok, if I needed something, if something was wrong. What do I have to make up for? Being consumed by this monster? Especially those that know me well enough, no one asked me if I was ok. On one hand I appreciate being left alone to deal with everything and not have to explain but I don’t appreicate being told I have some making up to do when I was the one hurting.

So much of this is now past and really all I have left to do is finish the paperwork and get it filed in the courts and wait for it to be finalized.

The next step will be planning our November wedding…

Truth…capital “T”…an existential question

Mark Twain - Truth

Truth with a capital “T”. In the universal, no questioning, this is reality sense of the word..does it exist? OR is everything a shade of grey, seen through a lens, a filter, one human’s perception? Is one person’s truth another person’s lie?

If this is the case and nothing is absolute then how do we function?

How do we trust?

Who do we trust?

Can we trust ourselves?

Can we lie to ourselves?

Is our own person the easiest person to lie to?

I have been struggling with these questions as of late.  Naively, I would love for their to be Truth, black and white, a statement with no question.  But I don’t believe that is reality!  I have a penchant for theories of quantum mechanics, and one of them goes something like this… There are infinite possibilities co-existing at all times all around us in every moment. They are ALL real, no one less real than the next.  Reality (Truth) doesn’t exist until a human focuses on that moment, perceives it, then it coalesces into reality.  The key to this line of thought, is that a human must perceive it… therefore EVERYTHING is viewed through a human’s lens, their particular perception of reality.

Is the closest approximation we have to Truth…being as open, honest, and forthright as possible?  While holding that you may be wrong, and omitted something that the other party feels was important.  Is that a lie of omission, or a simple oversight?  Is there any way to know or judge without seeing what was in the person’s heart, mind, and soul at the time of the telling?

Is the difference between a lie of omission and an innocent omission, simply intent? The law certainly uses intent as mitigating or extenuating circumstance depending on its presence or absence.

When honesty is one of your core values, how does one cope with dishonesty?

How does one judge if someone is being honest when we are swimming in this sea of grey??

We either are by nature or have become through social evolution, at least a society, if not a species of “spin”.  The most gifted at the art of “spin” can have you believe something that is the complete opposite of anything resembling the truth without every uttering a lie.  We seem to rest on this notion of pointing out only what is most beneficial to us and allowing the other person to draw erroneous conclusions.

I raise a glass to the hope that more people see the benefits of open and honest communication and the related damage of spin.

Stepping down from my philosophical soapbox… and going to get a drink.

Moving….Again

Three and a half months after moving into the poly house, Master and I are moving out.

It’s been a tough go of it and we certainly are not out of the woods yet but at least the couples will be separated and we will begin the new custody schedule with the kids.

I’m beyond excited to be free of that house. I loved that house. But it’s become toxic. Master and I need our space and freedom to live and love each other how we want.

Another chapter closing and the next beginning…

Quads Smauds Poly Smoly

I can’t say I have a ton of experience with polyamory but the experience I do have, I’m starting to see the best ways how poly could work and some of the ways in which it doesn’t. I have been in two quads and some dating on the side. If you’re married and decide to open up to poly, the most important thing is BOTH of you have to want it. Even more so than communication. It absolutely cannot be one going along with the other or any sense of hesitancy in either partner. Relationships are difficult enough to manage without introducing more lovers. Every piece of literature, paper or electronic, advises that your “primary” relationship be strong and have excellent communication. Part of that communication is admitting whether you want it or not.

I used to think that Red and I had great communication because we would spend hours talking. We talked about religion, politics, kids, people, family, friends, clothes, music, movies…everything. Everything BUT our emotions or our relationship. When it came to the hard stuff or if I had questions or doubts about us or him, he would get angry and mean. So I stopped asking and we would get along great. When I started approaching the subject of opening our marriage, either polyamory or swinging, he didn’t communicate that he didn’t want it, instead he said it sounded like fun.

The entire hierarchy issue is debatable. I can see the desire and even the need for a spouse to be primary when having additional lovers. But having been secondary as well, it sucks knowing you’re second place. Although love knows no hierarchy, time and treatment of your lovers will certainly convey the message loud and clear. If you’re dating outside of your marriage, what would be the proper rules to have in place? Should you have to ask or beg for time to go on dates? Asking for permission makes you feel like a teenager again asking your parents if you can go out on Saturday night. There is a big difference in asking “May I…?” and “I was thinking of….or planning on..”. It’s a delicate, fine line. Especially when there are children involved who need to be taken care of.

Before Master and Kitty came into our lives, it was easiest for me to get away and leave Red home when he was studying or wanted to stay up and have some alone time, perhaps with video games or some shows he wanted to catch up on. It was a struggle otherwise. Once Master and Kitty joined us, she would come up with ways in which we could swap and spend time together and it was much easier because Red and Kitty had developed feelings for each other as well and it was an even swap. With the couple before, he didn’t have feelings for her and swapping was difficult, at best. And other times a minor disaster.

Reading other experiences, I’ve come to think that it might be a little more difficult but being single-ish and dating multiple poly people would be most ideal. Having your own independent place and your lovers come to spend time with you, stay the night, go on dates, etc. makes the most sense to me. Whether your lovers are married or dating wouldn’t matter so much as long as the time spent fulfills both partners and most importantly, you don’t necessarily answer to anyone. You’re open and honest about your dates and activities, as poly would dictate, but there’s no primary partner to ask or argue with.

On the other end of the spectrum, forming triads and quads, in my mind, a near impossibility. Master and I were discussing the metamour issue the other night and he made a good point. It’s almost more important for the metamours to have an even stronger relationship and bond than the lovers. Lovers will have a special bond because of the love and sex but metamours….well, they will most likely end up just being friends and if you don’t have a strong friendship, the jealousies and other crap will tear down any chance of a fully functional triad or quad.

I thought because I had known, loved and got along with Red for 16 years, I could figure out how to function and even be friends with Kitty. And same with Master and Red. These were our spouses and the metamours were just like them, why couldn’t we find a way to make this work? I feel, at the end of the day, Red and Kitty just don’t have the skills to make this kind of relationship work. Neither of them have great people skills. And communication? Yea right. When we first moved into the poly house and it was a spouse night, Kitty wanted a shower in her bathroom. Red’s bathroom. I was in their room and she felt I had taken “possession” of the room already. Master spoke to me about it, I went up to her and tried to talk to her. I told her all she had to do was say something. When she wouldn’t even look me in the face or answer me and all but ignored the fact I was right in front of her, I knew then this was never going to work. If she couldn’t communicate about something as simple as a shower, what about the bigger issues? After some other issues came up, I pleaded with both Red and Kitty to have roundtables to work everything out and both ignored my advances. So why should they be shocked when everything went to hell in hand basket within weeks?

Not to mention the idealism behind all living together! It sounds great. Dividing expenses, chores, having everyone pitch in and contribute to the functionality and happiness of the house. Another near impossibility! Maybe if you are all hippies…

Lastly, the skills and desire to work through the jealousies and insecurities that poly or any sort of non-monogamy bring about it crucial. We all have insecurities. We all experience jealousy. But we all don’t have the ability to recognize those issues for what they are when they come. And to work thru them. You absolutely cannot come out guns-a-blazing and looking for fights when you’re upset for whatever reason. All the person sees and hears at that point is your emotion and usually the natural reaction to that is to fight back. And the real issue at hand? Goes completely neglected and unnoticed because of all the noise and crap surrounding what you’re actually upset about. Know yourself well enough to walk away, think about and dissect what’s wrong and when you can come back reasonable and able to have a quiet discussion outlining your feelings, then approach it. I’m not saying that’s easy or even doable every time, but it’s a good habit. And critical really to building any sort of lasting relationship.

As small of a community that poly really is….and it is growing, I truly think there is an even much smaller percentage of people who can really make this work! And make it work long term.

The Rosie Bottom

Since moving in to the poly house Baby Doll and I have not been able to keep up with our former “activities”.  Mostly because of me…I just end up feeling like I am on stage or being judged because I know the adults in the house can hear what we are doing.  It is weird, but for me, knowing that they hear us have sex doesn’t bother me much at all, but knowing that they might be hearing me give Baby Doll a session makes me hold back. We have managed a couple here and there, but none of them really up to what we used to do.  One of the side effects…Baby Doll has no tolerance any more. She used to be able to take a sound beating with barely a flinch. Now… well…

The other night The Monster forced his way out to play, regardless of who heard and who was home.  I imagine it was a little easier knowing Red wasn’t home…  One of my favorite ways to have a session is to have Baby Doll over my knee in bed. I love the intimacy of it. We have plenty of toys and implements, but for me there is nothing better than my bare hand against her round supple ass!

I read a post by a blogger who was also a percussionist and a dom…he wrote about how he liked to beat out a rhythm on his subbie’s ass, adjust tempo and impact to change the effect. I found this to be a novel idea as I used to just wail as hard as I could…I never thought about spankings in the same light as having sex.  Vary the rhythm, the tempo, the level of impact, etc. It provides different feelings, and has the added bonus of prolonging the experience.

I had Baby Doll lock the door and come lay across my knee, sucking my cock on the way. I started softly and rhythmically tapping her ass, getting harder and faster, but saving the dramatic full blow for later. I focused on one cheek at a time, flushing it from creamy white, to pink and finally to bright red. As I continued, I started to lay down blows as hard as I could muster from that position…it may be my favorite but it doesn’t afford much leverage. Whack, whack, whack, over and over again I brought my hand down on Baby Doll’s ever reddening plump bottom! As she started to squirm and wiggle away my blows land with more ferocity and frequency… I know the most potent blows are those that land across her crack, catching both cheeks at the same time, so I deliver a barrage as my cock gets increasingly hard!  My hand begins to sting, so that my body tries to hold back from unleashing my full strength…but I push through, enjoying the pain that I am causing Baby Doll as well as myself…knowing full well that if my hand hurts, her ass must be on fire!

When we first started all this months ago, Baby Doll didn’t think I could ever break her, much less with my bare hands.  The first time she melted into a crying puddle into sub space was with my hands only.  Since then, we have always used something to push her over. However, with her lack of tolerance, I was once again able to push her over the edge with just my hands.

Just as I thought my hands must hurt as much as her ass, she broke… the sobs gently wracking her body… this was not a huge break like we have with a paddle, but a “gentle” return to spanking after our unfortunate hiatus. I need to start getting Baby Doll back into the swing of things… she has ordered me a gift… a cane!! She is terrified and thrilled at the same time! So am I!