A Sudden Realization

I knew from almost the beginning that Baby Doll was in an abusive relationship with Red.  Without knowing the word, I knew he was a narcissist, incapable of seeing any perspective other than his own.  He has an arrogance about him that is more a cover for insecurity than a genuine belief in his own abilities. In some ways I feel sorry for him in that he is incapable of self-reflection to examine how he actually feels at any given moment. In addition, he is a compulsive liar.  He lies so incessantly, and refuses, even in the face of irrefutable evidence, to waiver from his lies, that he rewrites his own past and present in terms that he believes to be true.  Again…sad…

But none of this was a revelation for me…I knew all this from the beginning, or almost the beginning.  The revelation was that I was married to an abusive narcissist myself. I was so thoroughly in her grasp that she had me convinced that I was controlling her. However, with a little space, time, and the current pregnancy episode, I realized that she is this “introverted narcissist”.  She claims to be an overly sensitive person, and she is, to the point that she as well cannot see any perspective other than her own. It hit me like a ton of bricks in her insistence that this pregnancy will not effect any of the rest of us. The arrogance, and audacity…

I told her that I am done with her. I will deal with her for kids and the divorce paperwork, but that is it. Ever since I made that statement she has been trying to goad me into a fight, I believe that she thinks that if I am still fighting then I still care.  I suppose that is true. But I have no fight left in me, not because I am defeated, but because I am free! Yes, I still struggle some times, yes, I am still hurt on occasion, yes, she still drains me emotionally as I am constantly fighting against my instinct to fight back ( I am Italian after all, and we are a “passionate” people). I have not risen once to her texting jabs. Not once. I have ignored every last one, and only ever respond to the business side of her texts, and if there is no business I ignore it altogether.  It is making her furious. I bet she feels impotent.

You see, for our entire marriage she always got exactly what she wanted. If I spoke up, she would turn it around on me and then cry…acting the victim…and my sensitive self (I identify as an empath) would cave every time.  She was broken when I met her, and I just wanted to fix her…boy did she ride that train and drain me of just about every last resource I had.

Throughout this saga I had confided in her (as she had been my best friend for 12 years) about how I was feeling.  At every turn, when we would start fighting, she would throw my words and feelings right back in my face.

Her tears, her anger, her words, her actions hold no sway over me.  Baby Doll mentioned my breakdown the other day… it was like the last nugget of love I had from her was ripped from my heart and soul…there is nothing left in me that cares for her. It is sad, but her handling of the situation has managed to remove any vestige of the memories and appreciation of the good times we had, and we did.  But they just don’t matter.  Our past can’t cleave me to her.

We are in one of the most unique and difficult relationship situations I’ve ever considered or heard of.  For the first time since this whole thing started, I have clarity… I am for Baby Doll! She is my heart, she is my person, she is my forever. She understands me better in 9 months that Kitty did in 12 years.  I finally feel free to devote myself entirely to Baby Doll, I have no residual feelings binding me to my past.

The work will never end… we will have to deal with the exes for at least the next 15 years in an almost daily capacity, until the last of the babies are out of school. After that it will only be for major life events.  But until that time, I will have to keep practicing anger management and compassion.

I love the Buddhist mantra:

“om mani padme hum”

“Love and Compassion for All Living Beings.”

I have a feeling it will be my best friend for a while.

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2 thoughts on “A Sudden Realization

  1. This made me smile.
    I wish I could hug you.
    Congratulations. It’s huge to see this and acknowledge it and release it. I’m proud of you.
    Stuck to it. Count to 10 or 20. Then respond if needed. Or don’t. It takes a lot to not. Be the good example to Baby Doll. For your kids. For all of us!!!

    Hugs. Love you both.

    Liked by 1 person

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