Recently I have begun to think I have “little” characteristics. In exploring myself and as my relationship with Master continues to grow, I see and feel the little inside and I’m beginning to recognize it, as is Master.
It’s no secret I have the libido of a teenager. I love to be touched, kissed and fondled all the time, as much as a comfort to me as reassurance that He loves me and is attracted to me. When we are out in public, I love the attachment and protection I feel when we hold hands. I’m certainly not a little little, somewhere between 12-14. Still seeking His love and approval while being obstinent and obnoxious on occassions. I can be a challenge at times but that’s when Master will give me “the look” and even count down until I either do what I’m supposed or behave. I’m not allowed to tell Master no, but I will sometimes just to push or get punished. I don’t get by with it and either earn punishment or a couple good slaps or spanks.
Some characteristics that I have would be my need for non-conformity, although I have conformed to a certain degree for career reasons, my love of the dark and gothic look and lifestyle, and the “baby doll” fashion. I’ve always associated sex with love, which is why I’m not the best candidate for FWB or a swinger lifestyle. Even Master said I remind Him more of the teenage babysitter trying to seduce the Daddy. When it comes to porn, the scenarios that turn me on the most are where there is a power deferential i.e. teacher/student, babysitter/daddy, teenage friend/parent of a friend situations.
Master’s rules and dominance over me isn’t just strictly for submission. He cares for, protects, corrects, even raises me in some ways. He coddles me as well. Master warns me if I end up in trouble or doing something that gets me in trouble, I will suffer His consequences as well. These rules aren’t just to serve Him or to make me submit, but they are to keep me in line and safe. Much like a child. Classic signs of a Papa Dom.
We had chatted about this dynamic casually before, with me saying He is more like a “Papa dom” to me than just Master. He goes by “Papa” with all the kids and I started calling him Papa Bear a while ago, while we were still poly and together as a quad. He likes to be called Big Papa as well (think Notorious B.I.G.). Making love the other night, I called Him my Papa. It just came out, I didn’t think it before. And seeing His instant (positive) reaction, I continued with more naughty talk, including Papa and baby doll. It felt….natural…and sexy. It was a big turn-on for both of us.
Master and I talked about it more in detail yesterday. He’s finding it difficult to separate between being Papa to the kids and me calling Him (just recently) Papa. So He asked if Papa Bear or Big Papa had the same significance…and it does. Mostly. The slight variation is just that…a slight variation. It doesn’t feel as intensely intimate as Papa alone but it is definitely not something I would or could whine or complain about. But of course, He still is Master…the title that, for me, shows the most respect.
Getting deeper and deeper into our D/s relationship means learning more about ourselves and each other. Having had a vanilla relationship for 16 years and seeing the flaws there, at least for me, I could not be happier with my relationship with Big Papa. The communication we have is amazing. There isn’t anything we couldn’t talk about. I know my place with Master and I have my rules and protocols to follow. Because of Papa Bear, I am understanding myself and my needs more. My place is by His side and at His feet, protected, loved and cared for.