Moving On

I passed my final on Friday. The 12-day course is done. It was a lot of reading and notes but I made it thru. Jets came over for dinner on Saturday with his nephew along with my mom. We talked about when to schedule the state test and we settled on 9/11, pending there are open positions. My last day at work of my old job is 9/10. Because I will actually be able to start working at the new job before the license comes thru (after I pass the test), I’m doubting I will actually have any time off between the old job and the new one. It would have been nice *sigh*. At least the distance from home to the new job is a lot shorter and I’ll probably be working earlier hours so I’ll have more time with the babes at night. That is precious time I will be thankful for!

Master has been patient, wonderful and supportive thru all of this. After I passed the final on Friday, He took me out for a wonderful sushi dinner. Always enjoy going out with Him. I could not be more appreciative to have Him in my life.

Of course….drama….divorce drama, to be more accurate. Master and Kitty are signed and filed. I have prepared and signed all the paperwork, it’s waiting with the paralegal for Red’s signature and payment. Last week he told me he would sign it when he agrees to it. The final draft had been in his possession for 8 days and all he says is he’s “too busy”, “so busy”, “so tired”, “crazy schedule”. Yes, yes…I know all this. BUT it takes mere minutes to look over the papers, which had been done in May, really. The only information that changed from the draft I wrote up before we decided to use the paralegal was the holiday schedule. Everything else is the same. One of the last things he said to me if I keep pushing, things will get even more difficult. Kitty defends him up & down, swearing he works most weeks straight thru, doesn’t have a day off until 10+ days straight of working, blah blah fucking blah… If it were that important to him, maybe, just MAYBE he would make time for it. It took him a week to get the information I asked him to get me for the paperwork but when he wants something, he starts texting me and if I don’t answer within a few minutes, it gets followed up with “?” or “hello?”.

Typical narcissist. The world revolves around him.

Master found out a little more information from Kitty. Red has been telling her that his employer has been shorting him his OT on his checks and he’s waiting on them to make it up. SURE. I’ve heard that one before. Among a montage of other excuses and lies. It is somewhat comforting in a way to see he’s back to his old tricks and bullshit, but I was really hoping maybe he would straighten up and do right by her. If for no other reason than he has a fourth child coming and it’s time to grow the fuck up and act like a responsible MAN. And not a 37-year-old toddler.

At first I was really upset. I wanted to cry. I wanted to melt down. It just so happened that my mother called. She talked me down, kept telling me it will all work out. Stop melting down. Keep calm. She said stop pushing. Take a deep breath. I was calmer after I got off the phone but still a little upset. Then I got to thinking…

I started recounting all the articles Master and I have read about narcissists and narcissistic exes, some about NPD in general. Knowing Red, even IF the money excuse is true (IF), the biggest part of how he’s acting is he’s simply pushing back at me. He’s in control right now. It’s his hand that has to sign those papers and he LOVES being in control. The more I cry, whine, beg, push, scream, yell, threaten or even attempt to discuss any of this with him, the harder he’s going to push back and stall. The more he knows I want this divorce, the more he will try to keep control of it. So I decided the take away as much control as I can. Master was trying to “neck” it from the other angle and get Kitty to push him along but she spews the same excuses as him. She swears he wants this divorce as much as the rest of us, he isn’t trying to sabotage our second chosen wedding date, he’s just “busy”, oh “so busy” and “tired”. Blah blah fucking blah. I came to the conclusion, we go silent. Completely dead silent. We will not discuss the divorce matter with either of them. If they want a divorce because they have a child on the way, they will get it done. In order to take power away from a narcissist and hurt him the most, you do not react nor do you give him anything. I will continue to not answer his phone calls but now, unless it’s clear it’s about children or on the group text, I will not be answering his texts either. Narcissists feed off your energy. Even now, I’m still learning how to not be his emotional vending machine, as Master puts it. I will communicate with Kitty regarding the kids on the group text, since she’s the one who has them all the time anyway and he’s so “busy” and “tired” and “working all the time” and he as access to that but as far as privately, he’s DONE. I’m DONE playing his games. I control now.

I have a feeling once Master and Kitty’s divorce is done and stamped, things will get interesting at the other house…

Kitty’s biggest fear is Master and Red will want me but no one will want her. Once their divorce is done and Red still isn’t on his way to divorcing me, that insecurity will be kicked into overdrive. She will be a single mother, pregnant by the man who’s still married to me.

Now we just sit back and wait.

Let The Games Begin!

It’s fall…I love fall… well I love foliage, pumpkin flavored everything, sweaters, hoodies, warm days and cool nights. But before we get to the good stuff comes school. The oldest is off to 1st grade, the next started pre-K today, and I am back to teaching while I struggle to finish my Ph.D.  In the midst of all this, Baby Doll is starting a new career, but has to take the 2-week class and licensing exam before she can.

Kitty and I have signed all our paperwork for the divorce! So, that should be finalized in the next month. Now…the wait for Red to get off his ass! I don’t know if he is just a lazy son of a bitch, a control freak who can’t let go of Baby Doll, even though he already has another woman, my soon to be ex wife, knocked up.  He is a man I will never understand, but with whom I am now inexorably bound! Some days I find it completely frustrating that there is nothing I can do to eliminate him from my life. I guess there truly is a price to pay for everything.

Along with kids starting school, me starting school, divorces, Baby Doll studying for her new job, it is also time for me to start looking for a job for next year when I complete my degree.

Can anybody say…overwhelmed!?

But I have my sanity, my sanctuary, my love, my…person… to come home to everyday. To a home I am proud of, to kids who are taken care of, to being loved in ways I had never dreamed of…

I am scared, stressed out (already), and overwhelmed…but in your arms, I am safe, warm, taken care of… I know I am supposed to do that for you, after all I am the Papa. But, truly, without you Baby Doll, I could not do this! I now, more than ever, believe in the adage: “Behind every good man there is a great woman!”

Thank you Baby Doll, my babygirl, my best friend, my love…


Thank you

goth hugs

Thank you Master for all your love and support.

I know it’s been a little challenging lately with me taking my course and this week will prove even harder with my final coming up and this being your first week back.

I appreciate your patience and understanding when chores have been a little more of a struggle and I’ve been distracted and a little cranky, sometimes sassy.

You’ve been so good to me and stepped up to help when I needed it.

Thank you Papa!!  Love you with all my heart!!!!


Yesterday was hard. Master and I took the day off because it’s the last day before school starts. He’s anxious about this next year, it’s going to the hardest and He has a lot of work ahead of Him. I don’t know how much it actually helps but I keep reminding Him that I’m here, to love and support Him and do what I can to make sure everything else is running smooth so all He has to do is focus on His work and get done. I hope it helps anyway. Unfortunately, even though we had the day off together, we didn’t get to spend much of it with each other.
Master went with Kitty to tour a pre-school for their oldest in the morning. I brought my girls home with me while He did that. They did sign her up and she starts on Monday. He came home and I had to get my oldest ready for a meet and greet at her new school that she also starts on Monday.  It was the first time I’ve seen spoken to Red in another form than texting in about three weeks. He was agreeable and even friendly really. Scary. We agreed to terms on homework and school lunches.
In between all of this, I was working on my course. I had four chapters to read, quizzes at the end of each chapter and then a final course quiz. Plus a homework assignment.  All due for midnight MT.
Master had dinner plans at His father’s house where He would also leave His kids to spend the night, leaving me with my girls for dinner. Me, cook? Ha! I got Chinese take out which the girls gobbled down. My mom came over for dinner and to watch the girls and get them ready for bed for me while I did my study work. She gave the twins baths and played with them while I powered thru the last two chapters and quizzes. The girls went down and she went home, giving me about an hour of total quiet. Master text to let me know He was coming home and just as He arrived, I was finishing up the final quiz of yesterday’s chapters. He settled in and I began the research for the assignment due in less than an hour.  I got it done with 39 minutes to spare. Like I said, it was rough! 
We chatted a bit, I text my best friend (here after known as Jets) to let him know of my progress and we watched a show. Master and I went to bed fairly late and shortly after I turned out the lights, I asked Him if maybe He would consider a quickie and Papa Bear agreed. I just wanted the intimacy and closeness of sex but more to please Him than anything. I’ve been feeling even more subbie lately, even with being a little too sassy at times.  After I snuggled up with Papa and fell right asleep.
….only to be woken up at 6am because my 6 year thinks she needs to wake the other kids to play once she’s up. Yes , I am a cranky Baby Doll this morning. At least my course work is light today. Two chapters and three quizzes.  I can get thru it!

New Career

I’ve been busier than normal lately…

The chance to work with my best friend and his sister has finally come!  It’s been almost two years in the making and now it’s finally here. I’m on day four of a twelve-day crash course and then I have to pass the licensing test. It’s been a little tiring as I’m not used to all the reading, note-taking and passing quizzes like I used to be but I’m keeping up. I have been doing part of the study work at work, which helps a lot. Master has been generous in helping around the house more so that my chores don’t fall behind. I’ve managed to keep up with His help. It has helped that it’s just been Him and me this week, kids would have made it so I couldn’t start study work until their bedtime. I do miss them, even so!! And I miss my time with Master, but as He said, it’s only 12 days and I’m doing something to advance myself for the family.

The other good news is I can be licensed in any state and work from wherever we move to, and work from home. So next year when we move, I can stay at home with the kids and (hopefully) our new baby and still bring in an income.

But the best news of all…I get to leave the job I’m in now!  I cannot wait to give notice and be out in three weeks. It might be a little early but Master has graciously allowed me to do it for a few reasons, mainly my sanity! This is not the job for me. It doesn’t suit me well and I do not particularly enjoy it. The new job….definitely more my style!

I’m beyond excited!  And scared. It’s hard starting all over. But I know Master is being so supportive and encouraging, as well as my mother, and working with my best friend means I’ll have all the help I can get!

The Tale of Twenty

So it has happened that Baby Doll has not been clear of of DD in quite a while. With so few sessions, I didn’t feel she could take all her punishment she earned for 2 or 3 weeks in one go. I have also upped the quantity of strikes I give. Most of the minor types of infractions have gone by the wayside as Baby Doll has learned very well. So what is left are big blow ups, Baby Doll forgetting her place, or failing to follow a major rule. Where she used to earn 1-2 at a time she is now up to 5-10 for an infraction since they are usually more severe.

We haven’t had a session since we first wrote about The Gentleman. She had wracked up 20. I decided we were going to clear the decks last night. And that we did!

Baby Doll can barely take The Gentleman, and I knew she couldn’t take 20 punishment from him, as I don’t hold back on those. So I decided to warm her up with 5 from the black crop, then 5 from Mr. Grey, and culminating with 5 from The Gentleman.

There was a method to my madness in that I was hoping to break skin with Mr. Grey as he is studded. Then I could “feed” Oakey and The Gentleman. Success! With the 3rd swat from Mr. Grey, the pin prick of blood started to trickle. Oakey then The Gentleman both feasted on the blood and flesh of my babygirl.

With punishment done, I continued the beating…but I was unsure where she was at in her break. I used Oakey in my left hand and The Gentleman in my right. Tap, tap, tap with Oakey and then a full whack with The Gentleman. I’m still in awe of the dull thud he produces…transferring all of his energy to her flesh and back up the cane to my hand. She took it, and more. I was very proud of her!

I released Baby Doll from her bonds, grabbed a towel to clean the blood. Cuddled her…The Gentleman is a completely different break than any other of the toys. I have to stop before she fully breaks, because the pain and aching builds for several minutes after I release her from her bonds. In my arms, Baby Doll eventually succumbs to the deep dull pain that grows in her muscles as opposed to the surface skin. Then the flood of tears comes, and the physical pain washes away whatever she was holding inside. I always have a cathartic release with my babygirl. I talk her through it and out of it.

Babygirl offers to pleasure me, and I accept. This was the 3rd of the day for me so it took some time. But Baby Doll is always persistent! She cleaned me up, and came in for some more snuggling. She started shaking, I wasn’t sure what it was…another break! She sobbed into my arms. The Gentleman is really anything but…he has a way of making his presence known for hours and then days later. Usually Baby Doll feels our sessions for a couple days…she feels it for a week to 2 with The Gentleman! She was still bruised and a little sore from our last one.

I’m so proud of how Baby Doll takes what I give. Thanks me. Loves me. Wants more. Needs more. I’m a happy and content Papa Bear! Thank you Baby Doll!

My Ankh

For Miss Agatha…


That’s also my day collar and a promise charm from Master. the Chinese symbol for year of the horse, year he was born.

Sweet dreams to you too, Miss Agatha