Frustrations

Master has His comprehensive exams this week, this is the last night. They’re due tomorrow at 10am. He’s been pre-occupied and anxious and I’ve been trying my best to keep Him calm and get Him thru this week. All in all, He has not been nearly as hard to handle as I thought He might be and I’m thankful for that. Master has been working really hard to get them done and I’m so proud of Him…but I also cannot wait until they’re past and His anxiety is down to normal levels. I hate seeing Him so cloudy without the sparkle in His eyes but I know it’s temporary and things will get back to where they are.

We talked last night during dinner about our D/s protocols and life in general. While neither of us are unhappy with how things are going, we both feel there is room for improvement. He said I have to get over only having sessions at night and accept that we should have them during the day when He is more full of energy and the monster is more apt to coming out. I conceded and offered the weekend days where we don’t have kids then. Master wants to get back to once a week rather than every three weeks or so. We can have sessions on Saturdays or Sundays after we drop the kiddos back off at the other house. I can be a little bit of a spoiled brat and like things my way but eventually He makes me see that I cannot always have what I want, when I want it, especially when it’s putting demands on Master to give me those things. In order for me to get the things I want, I have to be willing to get them when Master is able to give them to me. With all the changes of the past two months, protocols have not been top priority although we have been trying to keep them going. I’m making my way back to completing my daily assignments and making sure to tell Master once they’re done. I told Him I know I’m not always on top of everything at home but I do catch back up before anything gets out of control and He knew that. I don’t let things slide for too long. Especially on the nights where we have kids, I can get overwhelmed but Master is always willing to give me a helping hand and checks in on me frequently. He knows the division of labor is not equal and I don’t expect it to be. This is a D/s relationship, after all. I appreciate His help and the fact that He asks me how I’m feeling to make sure I am not getting resentful of Him.

My biggest frustration right now is work. I know, I’m new and definitely learning but I hate the feeling of only having half a clue about what I’m doing. I’m loving the more laid back attitude and not counting every minute or every hour that I am here. My frustration lies in I don’t feel very productive right now and even worse, I don’t know exactly how to be productive. The “leads” I’m calling on, trying to drum up business, only seems to really work for about 1-2% of the work I’m doing. That means out of the 100 calls or emails I’m putting out there, only 1 or 2 actually pan out. That makes me want to scream and pull my hair out. And it makes me feel like I’m doing something wrong even though Jets assures me I’m not. I’m not cut out for sales, I can talk to people but I don’t have the gift of gab like he does so I struggle with it a little more. I’m excited and anxious to learn and can live this out for a year, for sure. Then I will probably end up moving in a little different direction with these skills. Depending on if I’m working once we move next year.

Add all of that up plus…I’m sexually out of order right now and that’s beyond frustrating, for both of us. Lovemaking is an important way in which Master and I connect emotionally. When the intimacy of Him being on top of me, thrusting inside of me while looking into my eyes or kissing me deeply is taking away, it’s more than noticed. We both feel it. He said this morning, without sex, He is missing me and I know exactly what He means. It’s where our souls come together, entwined, lovingly embracing each other. I definitely cannot have intercourse for a little while but I’m sure we will find a way to mess around a little to keep the sex monsters within us at bay.

The good things about this coming weekend are we get the kids tonight and all day tomorrow!  Yay!! I miss them! I miss their craziness, their noise, their snuggles, their kisses and their smiles. We have a BBQ at Master’s dad’s house on Saturday. Then on Sunday I get a new tattoo! Ohhh! Cannot wait for that. It’s my treat that Master is letting me have. So excited. I’m slightly nervous because I’m getting it in such an open area, on the inside of my forearm but I’m 35. Screw the world, I want it. My parents have always drilled into me that tattooed people are bad or trashy and I don’t believe that but I fear other people thinking of me that way. I’ve decided I am not going to let that dictate me anymore. I’ve already warned them, get used to it because I have a feeling Master and I are going to end up quite decorated over the next few years.

Calmly waiting for things to settle down and move back into a good routine. That’s what both of us need more than anything. Then some of these frustrations will dissolve.

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