Jealousy is such a stupid, petty emotion. And it makes me feel stupid and petty when I feel the green eyed monster peaking his stupid, petty little head up. I have a very hard time admitting when I get jealous. Master has told me time after time if I just let it out, I’ll release myself from the power of the emotion and I keep saying that giving it a voice gives it its power.
For whatever reason, Master talking to His ex last night rubbed me the wrong way. Maybe because I wanted the attention (not like I wasn’t getting any but I didn’t want Him giving HER any). Then when He came upstairs, He mentioned getting her a cookbook for her birthday. That really didn’t help. The harder I tried to get the monster out of my head, the tighter its grip took control. It was dumb and I knew it and loathed myself for it. But I didn’t say anything.
As always, He knew I wasn’t myself or something was on my mind. I kept denying it, He let it go while we watched some more Sons until we went to bed. Then He pushed me until I admitted it. I hated admitting it. But Master made a good point. Maybe it isn’t so much jealous of her but jealous that I will most likely never have that same type of easy interaction with my ex. There’s still anger and resentment and hurt between us, maybe all on my end, I don’t know. Red and I don’t talk about any of it anymore. I know that I am not completely healed, that will take some time. I’m not over the damage Red left in his wake but I’m better. I know I’m getting better because I don’t think of him often other than in the capacity as the father of my children (I use the term “father” loosely). And when I do, the hurt isn’t as deep and the anger isn’t as red hot as it used to be. Time heals wounds and I’m working on it. Maybe Master is right, maybe I wish I had that type of relationship with my ex but I know that I cannot let him in anymore. If he’s being nice or even reasonable, it’s because he wants something, not because he’s genuinely being nice to me. Red has hurt me and used me too many times for me to do it anymore. I’m happier and healthier the further I pull away from him.
They’re getting married on Friday. I’m good with that, I think he needs to man up and marry her. Master said the only way Red gets women to marry him is by getting them pregnant. Ouch. But it’s true. I was pregnant then and she is now. I have a feeling he doesn’t want to marry her, he’s being pushed into it by her and her mother. But if he doesn’t have the balls to stand up and say something, he deserves it. He deserves to lay in the bed he’s made. The only one I feel sorry for is the little girl they’re hiding like a big dark secret. That isn’t fair to that little baby, she’s an innocent in all this and they should be proud of their little one, despite the situation, despite what the world may think. But that’s their issue…
And no, my baby fever has not gone away or even calmed down. Not in the slightest! Papa keeps telling me next year. I know. I know the plan. But my uterus is twitching and crying! So combine hormones with baby fever and you get Baby Doll. A little crazy, a little emotional.