I’ve been a little quieter this week, reserved, contemplative. Thinking about GG passing away…and one of the things one friend said about her passing. That she’s there, always will be there, watching us.
I’ve never really found comfort in thinking that dead loved ones are watching over us. Maybe I take it a little too literal but the thought of my uncle or grandmother or grandfather being in the same room with me as I shower, potty, fuck, get beaten, cook dinner, wash dishes, work, get dressed, drive, sing along while I’m driving or apply mascara does not seem appealing. To look around an empty room and imagine what spirits are there that I cannot see actually creeps me out a little. I suppose part of it may come from this nutty phobia I have of being watched. I hate being watched. Or stared at. It makes me beyond uncomfortable.
Her death has also brought up old curiosities of what happens after. As my grandmother quietly passed away in her sleep, what happened? Did she know while wandering the halls of dreamland that this was it? That she was never going to open her 96 year old eyes again? Being an atheist makes this a little harder to imagine. It’s easy to accept the fantasy that her spirit sat up, left her body here on earth and took the escalator up to heaven. IF there is a heaven, she would surely be there. I do not accept that. Never have, even as a child. It seemed too easy an answer to me (please don’t take insult here if those are your beliefs, I respect that to the highest degree, it’s just not something I could ever grasp myself). Not having those beliefs though does bring up questions. Death has always made me curious and then it makes me think of my own death. What happens? What will happen when I die? What will I experience? What will I see?
So many questions that only have one way to answer them. Someday…