I failed last night….as His submissive and His wife. I failed horribly. And I ended up hurting Him. I couldn’t imagine a worse feeling. I could barely look at Him in the face. Seeing the disappointment in His eyes was unbearable. I suggested that He punish me but He didn’t. Instead, He let me swim in my own hell. Drowning in it, suffocating, choking. If He wouldn’t punish me then I would punish myself.
We headed to bed. I turned down the bed for Him and turned out the lights and laid down on the floor at the foot of the bed. I didn’t deserve to be in the same comfortable bed as Master. I didn’t deserve to feel His body near mine. He asked me to come to bed. I said no, risking getting in trouble by doing so. He said He couldn’t sleep without me in bed with Him. I told Him I didn’t deserve to be there with Him. He said it was no longer a request and told me to come to bed. I got up and laid down next to Him. He tried to snuggle up to me and I pulled away, not deserving His loving touch either. He pulled me back and told me to shush. I burst into tears.
I told Him I failed, hurting Him ripped open a hole inside me that I didn’t think could ever close. He asked me if I knew what I had done, if I was sorry, would I ever do it again. Papa said it was done, I was forgiven. If only it felt that easy. He let me sit in the dark painful waters for a few more moments before He told me to turn the light back on, get out Gentleman and bend over the bed. I was not to make a sound. I did as I was told. He swatted me with the cane multiple times until I broke down again then pulled me back on the bed. He held me while the last of the tears came flooding out. He soothed me back to a calmer state and asked me to pleasure Him with my mouth. Afterwards, we drifted off to sleep.
This morning I woke with my head above water at least. If He hadn’t of punished me with Gentleman, I would have been a hot, melted mess. Though I was still a little insecure. Dreading thinking He would wake up mad at me all over again. But He didn’t. He meant what He said last night. I was forgiven and it was over. I broke down one more time before finally pushing myself out of bed this morning. Snuggles, kisses and a hot shower has pushed the darkness to the edges now. My feet may still be dangling in it but I’m almost all the way out. Now I have to make sure I’m on my best behavior…