Disappointment

I failed last night….as His submissive and His wife. I failed horribly. And I ended up hurting Him. I couldn’t imagine a worse feeling. I could barely look at Him in the face. Seeing the disappointment in His eyes was unbearable. I suggested that He punish me but He didn’t. Instead, He let me swim in my own hell. Drowning in it, suffocating, choking. If He wouldn’t punish me then I would punish myself.

We headed to bed. I turned down the bed for Him and turned out the lights and laid down on the floor at the foot of the bed. I didn’t deserve to be in the same comfortable bed as Master. I didn’t deserve to feel His body near mine. He asked me to come to bed. I said no, risking getting in trouble by doing so. He said He couldn’t sleep without me in bed with Him. I told Him I didn’t deserve to be there with Him. He said it was no longer a request and told me to come to bed. I got up and laid down next to Him. He tried to snuggle up to me and I pulled away, not deserving His loving touch either. He pulled me back and told me to shush. I burst into tears.

I told Him I failed, hurting Him ripped open a hole inside me that I didn’t think could ever close. He asked me if I knew what I had done, if I was sorry, would I ever do it again. Papa said it was done, I was forgiven. If only it felt that easy. He let me sit in the dark painful waters for a few more moments before He told me to turn the light back on, get out Gentleman and bend over the bed. I was not to make a sound. I did as I was told. He swatted me with the cane multiple times until I broke down again then pulled me back on the bed. He held me while the last of the tears came flooding out. He soothed me back to a calmer state and asked me to pleasure Him with my mouth. Afterwards, we drifted off to sleep.

This morning I woke with my head above water at least. If He hadn’t of punished me with Gentleman, I would have been a hot, melted mess. Though I was still a little insecure. Dreading thinking He would wake up mad at me all over again. But He didn’t. He meant what He said last night. I was forgiven and it was over. I broke down one more time before finally pushing myself out of bed this morning. Snuggles, kisses and a hot shower has pushed the darkness to the edges now. My feet may still be dangling in it but I’m almost all the way out. Now I have to make sure I’m on my best behavior…

 

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8 thoughts on “Disappointment

    1. I’m trying! It’s hard for me to accept it because I can’t get over the feeling that I don’t deserve it. But I’m working on it! Thank you Miss Agatha!

      Liked by 1 person

  1. It’s hard when we done get the punishment we think we need. But we have to remember who is in charge. Who molds us. Who knows what we need. Who knows what we can handle. If we think something deserves punishment and we don’t get it and we then take that to mean something else and we deny Him our love and affection who is now topping? Not Him. We are. We have to remember that what our path as a team is may not look like we think it does. We cannot force them to punish or praise is. We strip them of their power when we do so.

    Sweet girl know he loves you. And his lives is all the pain killer and healing medicine we need.

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    1. I still have so much to learn no matter how far I’ve come. I handled everything so badly… topping from the bottom was definition not what I was trying to do. Just show Him how very sorry I really was. I’ve never been there before but now I have a clearer idea of what I should and shouldn’t have done..

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  2. Last night was not your best night, but not your worst either (the day I couldn’t find you). I knew when I told you that I was more hurt than angry that it would tear you down. Never should us playing get in the way of us.
    You were harder on yourself than I was on you…but I could see how distressed you were, and after a certain point I needed you back. Your only path back was though pain and punshiment. I love you more than I can ever say, and I need you as by subbie and rock. Sometimes I have to listen to what you need as much as you must listen to me.
    Babygirl, you are forgiven. You have shown me your repentance. You have done your penance. Now, listen to me and find your way back. I’m better, nothing lingering. Let it go, leave it behind, take nothing but the lesson.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank You Papa! I’m better…really I am. Lesson learned and yes it’s in the past now. I’m sure little bits will come back here and there, as that’s just who I am but I will work thru them as they come. I love and appreciate You so much!

      Liked by 1 person

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