I did it again….I crawled inside my own head and felt so foolish. I made it out to be bigger than it was and in doing so, let the daze settle over me, the words repeat themselves inside my head as sleep ran faster and faster away from me.
Too many times in my childhood and teen years, I would speak my mind and get made fun of or told I was silly or dumb until I eventually learned to just keep my mouth shut. I had too many female friends with whom I had shared things turn on me and spread rumors or secrets about me. I stopped sharing so much after the last time, in 8th grade. I kept more to myself and only let friends or the world see a peek of me, just enough so they felt they knew me. But there was/is so much more to me. I’m goofy and silly at heart. I love making people laugh, making jokes. I’m a smart-mouthed, loving, kinky, sexual woman but I’ve not found acceptance of it until the last few years. I finally just couldn’t keep that side of me locked up anymore. Even Red, after gently guiding me away from the kinks when we first got together, didn’t fully let me be me. But sadly, it took me so long to figure this out. I had learned be a ghost of my real self and had been doing it for so long that it took over. In the end, it’s critism I don’t handle well. If I feel foolish or humiliated, I will shut down and throw up these walls, hoping everyone sees the ghost and not me for me. Except Papa does. He sees, loves, accepts and wants me for me. But there are moments where my fears take over…
…all I could think about was how ridiculous I act. I had to get out of that bed, I had to breathe. I quietly, carefully removed myself, felt in the dark for my glasses and slinked out of our room. A groggy Master wandered out moments after me and asked me what was wrong. I held half of the truth close and only gave Him what I could at the moment. I told Him I couldn’t sleep and wasn’t feeling good, to go back to bed and I would be in in a little while. Two hours went by…warm, shameful tears fell while I tried to talk myself down, tried to quiet the voice in my head. I was a little better as 2am came and went. I forced myself to go back and lay down again with Papa. I ended up staring into the dark again as the whirring of the fan got louder and louder. I must have drifted off to sleep at different points because I would dream and wake up, dream and wake. I fully awoke again at 6am as the sun crept in around the edges of the curtains. I was instantly awake as if I hadn’t slept at all. I felt the internal tremors that little sleep brings on and my skin was crawling. Slightly better than I was a few hours ago but still beating myself up, I drug myself out of bed and into a hot shower. I let the water pour over me, trying to imagine all my self-hate washing away with the soap and shampoo ran off my shaking body. I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror as I dried off and threw my hair up in a towel. I took a few minutes to make lunches for Papa and me and then came back.
I crawled in bed with Him….and fell apart. I couldn’t even accurately describe to Him what went through my head last night but I think He somehow got it. He held me and wiped my tears away. I confessed that I don’t want to make Him feel pressured and that sex isn’t the only thing He has to offer me. According to Red, one of the biggest issues in our marriage is he started to feel like a piece of meat (in his words) because I wanted sex too much and his libido couldn’t keep up with me anymore. He felt that’s why I ended up wanting a non-monogamous and/or poly relationship. He never understood me and thought my libido should slow like his did and became frustrated when it didn’t. I don’t want my marriage with Papa to end up like that. I know that Master understands how I feel about sex much more than Red ever did but at the end of the day, I feel like I maybe need to dial my urges back a little and keep my “little” sex fiend at bay just a bit, make her understand that Papa still loves us, sex or no sex.
I want so bad to be able to open up to Papa when the sludge creeps across my brain and sucks me in but the struggle between the part of me that whispers, “they’re all gonna laugh at you” and the little girl who just wants to be loved is real and painful. He says when I remove myself from His presense, I’m taking me away from Him when all I can think is that I don’t deserve to be near Him. The first step, I think, is resisting the urge to slink away and hide…let’s work on that one..