The risk of having two emotional and sensitive people in a relationship reared its ugly head over the weekend.
Between the dissertation, lack of sleep and Papa feeling under the weather, He was a bit cranky. Add to that, it’s the middle of the month for me. To sum it all up, it was a rough couple of days.
I had a complete meltdown on Thursday night. A very black depression swept over me, one I hadn’t felt in a long time. I don’t think Papa knew what to do with me. I didn’t know what to do with me. I just felt….useless and worthless. I was my own worse judge inside my head and I knew it. But I couldn’t stop it. I tore myself to shreds mentally until I finally broke down and cried until I fell asleep.
The next morning was a new day. I felt the darkness shackled to my ankle and I was dragging the black ball with me but I felt a lot more like myself. I had the kids to myself that night because Papa had to go to a going-away party for His dad. It sucked I couldn’t go but I enjoyed having the kids at the same time. They were in bed when He came home. We hung out for a bit and then headed to bed.
Saturday was the worst. I had to take the girls to the dentist and met Red there. There was a bit of tension between Papa and me or at least I felt like I was walking on egg shells a bit. I could feel Him not being happy that I was meeting Red. I wasn’t happy about it but having kids together, sometimes it has to be done.
My sensitivity had not gone away. Papa was still not feeling great. I was leaving Him to meet up with Red. Somehow Papa and I ended up in a disagreement, mostly a huge miscommunication…it just became a recipe for disaster. To top it off, we had had no time together. Thursday was dinner at His dad’s for the grad students, Friday another dinner and Saturday we went back to His dad’s for a family dinner with the kids. No doubt Papa was feeling as disconnected from me as I was from Him. We just couldn’t seem to get back in line. After we got home and kids were in bed, He asked me to get Him some cough medicine and something to help Him sleep. I went way out of my way just to drive and let some of my music drown out my frustrations. It helped, a little. I wasn’t mad at Him, but definitely frustrated. I didn’t know how to handle my mood. I didn’t know how to handle His mood. He went to bed and I refused to go with Him. I wasn’t tired and certainly not interested in rolling around in the dark another night. That didn’t go over well. He came wandering out about 40 minutes later, mad at me. I didn’t hug or kiss Him goodnight or anything. Sometimes I have a bad habit of backing into an emotional corner and like a wounded animal, I will snap and bite at you if you come near. I apologized and I meant it. We went to bed where we cuddled and talked. He wiped my tears away. The tension seemed to be melting. Somehow we both driftd off to sleep…
…And woke the next day feeling much, much better. More back to ourselves and connected with each other. We dropped the kids off, dealt with a minor kid disaster (one of the girls got a bead stuck up her nose) and took off on the bike. To get a little bit out of the heat, we went to Mt. Charleston, had lunch at the lodge and drove back down through Lee Canyon. We stopped to take a picture outside of the ski lodge where there was still a little bit of snow on the ground then headed home. We made love, took a shower together, watched shows, had some dinner, watched some more shows, started a movie, ended up messing around again and then went back and finished the movie. It was what we needed to reconnect and find each other again.