It’s hard to live this life in semi-secret and not catch a little bit of judgment from people who don’t know or understand. We aren’t obvious in our lifestyle but it’s hard to keep it completely hidden too. I call Him Papa all the time and do not call Him by His first name very often. I wonder in my head sometimes if anyone really notices or just dismisses it because, well….it’s me. I’m a little strange and a little goofy so those who know me might just wave it off as one of my quirks. Other times I’ve heard that Papa is controlling or controlling over me. I don’t deny it but inside I know they probably question why I put up with it when I know the truth behind it is I’m His little/sub and I LIKE it this way. I WANT it this way. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

The trust, the bond and the communication needed to carry this sort of relationship is beautiful. It shouldn’t be judged for its uniqueness but celebrated for it instead.



I read an article this morning about a woman who suspected her husband of cheating. She went to her best friend at the time upset and worried that it was true. The best friend made her feel a bit foolish by telling this woman that she had nothing to worry about, her husband wasn’t cheating, he wouldn’t do that. Soon after, the husband asked for a divorce. The woman was devastated, felt her world had fallen apart and didn’t know what to think or do. The day after, she found out her husband had indeed been sleeping with someone else. This other person? Her best friend, who had made her feel foolish for thinking the husband was with someone else, had been sneaking around with the husband. The woman confronted her best friend and had a panic attack. All she could muster was telling her she was a bad person. The best friend had broken up her marriage, the one other person in her life she thought she could trust. Now both of them had betrayed her with each other. The husband and wife divorce. The now-ex-best friend and ex-husband remain together and eventually marry. The woman finds a new friend, someone to comfort her in her hours of darkness and need. The new friend…..now-ex-husband of her former best friend. Eventually that comfort turned into something more and the two began dating and later married.

This woman? Shania Twain. Her and her ex-bestie swapped husbands. Though they walked down their path differently than we all did ours, in the end the four of them are tied together like the four of us.

Weekend Away – Part II

Once in the car, Papa and I started discussing our D/s stuff. Protocols, assignments, sessions, spankings, etc. In the beginning, we had so many sessions because of the anxiety and the tension of the insane poly mess we were all involved in. I needed the release from the pain I was in. The sessions and the aftercare brought Papa and I very close very quickly. I craved that intensity and closeness with Him. Papa also needed the release from beating me, letting go of the tension. Over the last year and a half, so much has settled down that neither of us really need sessions that often. Obviously, because we have slowed considerably. Now that the divorces are past, the kids are moving along with the ex’s, Papa’s dissertation is done, so much of the tension has dissipated and neither of us really need that level of a release. The masochist in me enjoys them, the pain and sub space afterwards, but really NEEDING them? I don’t have those cravings like I used to. We discussed about going back to more of the kink instead. Over-the-knee spankings, getting tied up and flogged, things of those nature. Papa said because the sessions provide that release and the aftercare is to bring me out of sub space, now sessions are entirely up to me. If I need or want one, ask and He would be more than happy to oblige. I agreed. That was the first protocol out of the way.

Papa asked that I get out my notebook and go through the remaining protocols and assignments. I read each one, we left some the same and added a few new things to others. On other occasions Papa has said that because I am pretty well behaved, He doesn’t come down on me for the little things. I asked that He would start doing that now that I have become accustomed to the rules. He said He would. We will be incorporating the rewads & punishments as requested by me. I asked for a stricter Papa and that’s exactly what I got.

By Monday night, I had earned five already for various little infractions. Once I was home and settled in, Papa instructed me to get out Oakey and stand at the edge of the bed. We were going back to me counting down each swat as they landed on my ass, no ball gag anymore. Oakey is a vicious devil of a paddle and it had been so long since my ass was blessed with its presence, by number 4 I was crying. Papa was going to let me off at 4 but I said I could take the fifth one so He gave me the final strike before bringing me up to the bed with Him. The edges darkened a bit before the blackness drifted back away and we started messing around. A hard spanking, a couple of minutes of cuddles and an intense orgasm was the perfect end to the night.

I’m looking forward to stricter Papa and more frequent spankings as foreplay rather than the intense sessions we were doing. As we change and our needs change, so does our PD/bg relationship. I cannot imagine living any other way. It’s come so naturally to me and I feel more at peace now having embraced the little in me, being protected, guided and loved by this amazing man whom I’m thankful for every day.


Weekend Away – Part 1

Papa and I drove to CA over the weekend for my grandmother’s memorial who passed in February. We also took that opportunity to have some nice time together. All of our longer distance drives have been on the bike and while we are together, we’re also in our own heads, unable to speak while riding. I enjoyed spending that time with Papa, having His full attention and then the quiet moments just being in each other’s presence was nice as well. By early Saturday evening, we arrived in Ventura. Neither of us were aware it was on the ocean. Luckily, we secured one of the last remaining motel rooms in the little city seeing as it is summer and they were having a concert that weekend. Our motel was about two blocks from the beach so after dropping off the car and our bags, we headed right for the water and sand. Being in Vegas for so many years only intensifies my appreciation for the ocean. The smell, the sound, the feel of the humidity in the air….I love it! We walked up and down the beach before going to find something to eat. Both of us got our feet wet enjoying the feel of the sand squishing between our toes and water rushing past our legs. It was a bit chilly as the first couple of waves pushed past us but we quickly got used to it. We explored the main street and the places to eat before settling on Mexican. Fresh fish burritos shared between us hit the spot nicely before heading back to our motel room. It was a dinky little room with two full beds, not even queens. I jokingly offered Papa His own bed and even cuddled up in my own before giving in and snuggling up to Him on the bed He was lying in. He flipped through the channels as I only paid half attention while scooching as close to Papa as possible without being on top of Him. Soon after, the lights were turned off and we drifted to sleep.

Walking back to the hotel the night before, we talked about getting up and going to the beach in the morning. That didn’t happen quite as planned. First, we slept in a little later than normal. Second, the morning light peeking around the motel curtain was more grey and neither of us checked the time early enough to get up. Instead we messed around. Papa gave me a treat and let me masturbate after cumming inside me. I have always loved making myself cum. Before Papa, I could play with myself whenever I wanted but after submitting to Him, I am only allowed when I have permission. He laid beside me playing with my nipples and talking sexy to me as my fingers toyed with the delicate pearl. After that sweet release, we started to gather up our things and get showered.

Dressed and packed, we checked out and loaded our bags into the car and headed to the beach again. The grey cloud coverage kept the sun hidden and air cool. We slipped off our sandals and walked along the edge of the waves licking the shore. I’m not a big romantic and I don’t need things like this, bubble baths or a candlelight dinner to get me in the mood but the peaceful connection I felt with Papa was nice as we strolled along chatting and holding hands. In the distance, we could see a lot of surfers out enjoying the waves that the ocean breeze pushed towards the shore. Old and young alike, their passion for the boards and water brought them together. Having walked a length down, we turned back to find something to eat.

After a nibble and some good espresso, we headed back to the main street to browse the shops we saw the night before. We hit some antique, second-hand and furniture stores discussing the different pieces we saw and liked. As the clouds pulled back a little and the sun came out, it warmed up and we stopped for some lunch. Around this time, my parents started calling to let us know where they were at (they left Vegas that morning as well as Red with our oldest daughter). We were requested to stop and get twenty white balloons that my mother was planning on having each of us release at the end of the memorial. Papa and I finished up lunch, hit one more second-hand shop before getting the car and heading out.

We stopped and got the twenty balloons, which was interesting because we took the smaller car. In order for all twenty to fit, the seats were laid down then off to the cemetery we went.

My parents were running late, as they are more often than not, so we met up with other family members. Red was already there with the oldest. As usual, he was awkward and stand-offish. Even in the best of circumstances, he’s that way so I would not expect him to be any different. Red informed us that he just received the results from his state licensing exam in Florida, he passed and he will be able to transfer soon, depending on orientation and other factors. A quiet conversation with him later and he let on that he feels he has to do everything, without saying much more but hinting that Stripe is not much help. Papa has had conversations with her where she tells Him she has been looking for housing down there. I just shake my head and walk away. They’re adults, it’s their business and while I am curious, I don’t want to get any further involved than that. As long as the kids are with us, all the other details regarding Red and Stripe is up to them.

The ceremony was short and light-hearted. We all miss her but she was a month away from turning 97 so not like she didn’t live a full and rewarding life. After my father’s recount of her life and a few poems read, we released all twenty white balloons in memory of her.

Everyone chatted for a few more minutes and we were told where to go for lunch afterwards. Red said his goodbyes and let us know he was heading back to Vegas. Weird that he decided to drive our daughter to the memorial, only to drop her off and drive back another five hours to Vegas. She could have just ridden with my parents. Whatever, he’s his own responsibility now. I don’t have to worry about any of it.

Papa and I headed to the restaurant. We were the first ones there but soon after, the rest started wandering in. We chatted, caught up and discussed the kids and the move. We had a five-hour drive ahead of us seeing as it was Sunday and we had work the next day. As 5:30 rolled around, we said our goodbyes and got back on the road.


Rewards & Punishments

I brought up that I have read some Doms have a reward system in place for their littles and not just punishments.  Papa asked that I propose 5 rewards (only 1 being sexual in nature). Since I have fully embraced my little, I thought I would also propose 5 alternative punishments to earning spankings like we have been doing so far.

1. A new stuffie of Papa’s choosing
2. Movie night with Papa cuddles
3. Romantic date night with special dinner prepared by Papa
4. New purse or article of clothing (spending limit set by Papa)
5. Permission to masturbate

1. No electronics for the night
2. Time alone in my room (amount determined by Papa)
3. Ball gag worn for an amount of time (especially effective for sassy or disrespectful mouthing off)
4. No dessert/sweets/sodas for an amount of time determined by Papa
5. Wear an anal plug all day

Those are my proposals. I’ll be interested to see if any or all of them will be implemented.