Emotional

There is a whirlwind of emotion surrounding us right now and I’m trying desperately to stay on my feet, to stay positive and not let the demons drag me down into the Dark Place again.

First off, I rushed to make a doctor’s appointment because of a little lump recently discovered. Papa says He noticed it either last year or the first few months we were together and said something. I cannot remember for the life of me Him saying anything. He said He let it drop because women tend to be very sensitive about imperfections in their body. But then He noticed it had moved (it’s to the side and back, right under my bra line) so He brought it up again. Of course, I freaked out (on the inside). I called my mom, she said they run in the family and they’re no big deal but always a good idea to have a doctor look at it anyway. So I did. For the most part, I’ve been calm about it with moments of slight panic. But always a little nervous anyway. Turns out the doctor said it’s a lipoma, a fatty lump and as long as it stays soft and mobile, nothing to worry about. So that’s a relief…

Second, there are issues surfacing with Red (surprise surprise). Yes, we have the parenting agreement signed releasing the kids from this state to Florida in July. I have been pushing him to give me/us permission to send the girls on a plane with my mom, the best option for the sanity of everyone. Driving across country with such young children would be insane. They would be miserable and so would we. As of right now, he has “concerns” but will not tell me what they are over the phone or text. He’s asking me to meet him in person. I’m dreading that and just hoping I can keep my sanity and my cool in order to deal with him. I’ve been reaching out to him for over a week and he keeps saying have patience with him, he isn’t avoiding me, he’s dealing with “drama” (which turned out to be the passing of Stripe’s grandmother – such a nice thing to say about your wife’s mourning – but that is no longer my business, is it?), just be patient. I’ve tried. Now my patience is running out. This is typical of his patterns and behavior. He either is avoiding me or he’s trying to think of a way to back out / con me / screw me over. I think he’s panicking, finally realizing that we are leaving and soon and the girls are coming with me. He signed the release. The only other thing Papa found out was Red was trying to move before us so he would be down there first and take the kids ahead of us. Stripe said that’s not going to happen. Realistically, that’s 3 weeks away and they have a shit ton of work to do before it could happen. She told Papa and my mom both she’s expecting to move a couple of weeks after we do. At one point, Red said maybe Stripe’s mom could take our girls with her (she’s taking Papa’s two on a plane just about the same time we are planning to leave). I put my foot down saying there’s no way one person can handle 5 kids on a plane by herself, let alone Stripe’s mother. She doesn’t command enough respect or control over the kids but spoils them rotten instead. Red also mentioned that Stripe SR was going to take the new spawn with them. Papa found out from Stripe there’s no way that’s going to happen. So Red is probably pulling shit out of his ass and stalling in giving me a direct answer. The other day he did over text agree to the girls going with my mom on a plane – “I guess that’s the best thing  for them” and “I suppose” were the answers I got. But now he has “concerns”. Really, in my mind, meeting with him, listening to his concerns and addressing them are a formality now. I’m just trying to keep the peace, as usual. He’s agreed to both releasing the kids and the mode of transportation. But I’m nervous nonetheless.

What Red doesn’t realize (or maybe he does and this is what scares him the most) is he’s dealing with a much different person. I’m no longer his wife, he holds little control over me anymore and I won’t back down like I used to. I’m a whole new monster, stronger, more aware and better equipped to deal with his amusing attempts at trying to manipulate me. I’ve learned to be aware of the traps he sets, not to walk into them but right over them instead. Once a narcissist, always a narcissist. Their games and their manipulations are the same, it’s just a matter of spotting and avoiding them. I will no longer be his fuel. Red no longer will run or ruin my life. I now hold him by the balls, whether thru Stripe or on my own accord. It must be very un-nerving for him to have lost so much control over his life. Stripe is more in control of him, more so than I ever was. Or at least it appears that way.

43 days….we are leaving in 43 days…

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