We met the couple we’ve been talking to for a few weeks last night. It was a casual, platonic meeting for dinner. She’s definitely more talkative and interactive in person than she is on text. He’s funny and easy to talk to, just like on text. We ended up sharing stories about how each couple met, our backgrounds and such. There was some ex-bashing. They’re even newer together as a couple. Her recently divorced and him just separated. It was an entertaining dinner. Nice to get out and be a little social.
On the way home, Papa played the numbers game again. On a scale of one to ten, how interested and/or willing was I to play, where was the attraction, etc. The question in my head is how much does attraction matter when it’s just play? A little at least, obviously. But it doesn’t necessarily have to be off the charts either. I told Papa I’m not attracted to her but that doesn’t mean she isn’t doable. Moderate attraction to him but again, doesn’t mean he isn’t doable. Papa rebuffed, saying if I’m not all that attracted then what’s the point? I said the last couple we talked to, He wasn’t all that attracted to the guy half yet He was still willing to meet and even possibly play. That didn’t go over so well once I pointed out His willingness despite lack of attraction. He couldn’t deny it and even accepted it. The conversation faded down as we came home and sat out on the patio. Papa got a foot rub, which He loves and had a cigar. We chatted about some other things but eventually the conversation rolled around to the couple and playing again..
We went around and around about it, He got annoyed with me because my excitement about playing has dulled considerably. I think it’s mostly due to the fact that the majority of our playing experiences have not turned out to be anything great, especially on the couples end of it. He asked me if I were a unicorn, would I play with them? I thought about it for a couple of seconds but my reaction was no. That fueled Papa’s annoyance further. I couldn’t adequately explain that that wasn’t a fair question because it’s a different situation with just me joining them or all four of us playing together. Much like our sexual experiences do not mirror having a third join us. Papa wants me to be giddy and excited about playing whereas I’m more cautious and reserved. He pulled the ultimate question out….how much do I even really wants to continue playing? I said it’s around a 3. I knew He wouldn’t like that answer at all but I have to be honest with Him. By this time, I was upset myself and trying to explain to to Papa that I don’t want to be selfish, I want Him to have these experiences. I said that part of my submission is making Him happy, being able to give Him the things He wants. Papa said that part of being my Dom is protecting me from myself. After more discussion and some tears, He got though to me, making me see the importance of me being just as excited and wanting to play. At the end of it all, it’s not good enough for me to go along with playing, to be reserved or cautious. In order for it to be fun for either of us, I need to want it. I need to be excited about it. But right now, I’m just neutral.
I have to stand up for myself, He says. I have to make up my own mind, He says. I have to take control of this part of my life, He says. It just isn’t that easy! I’m conflicted and I’m cautious. I don’t know how to get back to being enthusiastic.
I love that it’s been two years since Papa and I met and starting seeing each other and we are still exploring. We have started playing with the strap-on more this week and we are both really enjoying it. Instead of me fucking Him with it, I put the strap-on on and lay on the bed while He straddles me. It’s amazingly erotic and gets me very turned on. The best surprise is the first night we tried it, Papa came on me. Neither of us were expecting that, it hasn’t happened before from using the strap-on. Something to do with the angle perhaps but whatever it is, it’s sexy and amazing. I love seeing Him enjoy Himself so much and of course, it’s a huge turn-on for me to see His cock squirt on my tummy. Give Him a few minutes rest and Papa is ready to go again.
It’s a nice feeling that even if I don’t have a real cock, Papa can still enjoy this kind of play with me. Even if He might miss sucking cock a bit, I am able to take care of this need at least.
Of all the things I’ve had to adjust to in the last couple of months, not writing as much is the one I’ve missed the most. It isn’t like I don’t want to, I really enjoy writing and blogging, it’s just finding the time to sit down and do it. Especially on the weeks I have our kids. I’m busy from the time I get up in the morning until they’re in bed. I don’t sit down much. It takes a lot to keep the house the way Papa and I like having it. Not to mention, two drop-offs in the morning, one at lunch time and the other a couple hours later. The most downtime I actually have is once all the kids are home from school and even then I’m sitting with them coloring (Papa bought me my own coloring book and pencils, which I’ve really enjoyed) and doing homework and then I start dinner. Without kids, I’m still working on my side job and looking for more on top of taking care of Papa. Plus He is good at coming up with stuff for me to do. Since I’m missing it, I’m going to make an extra effort to write more.
Red and Stripe have moved into their condo and requested to start the kid schedule. At first, I felt myself dying inside. I’m going to miss the kids so much. They have been challenging at times but for the most part I have been thankful to have spent so much wonderful time with them. All five of them are beautiful inside and out and I cherish them! Then I resigned myself to as much as we may not care for them, the kids love their other parents and need to spend time with them as well. It’s part of their lives, not mine, not Papa’s. As parents, I think sometimes we forget or look past that our kids do have their own lives and in a situation like this, where parents are split apart, they have a life and a home with each family. We gave them an extra weekend because Stripe’s mother is still in town so the kids will be gone for a total of nine days. The new schedule that we all have agreed on is one week on and one week off. Hopefully it’ll be much better than every 2-3 days switching houses and the best part is I am now home to care for them during the day so no more Stripe watching them on our days. I tolerated that for a year but now there’s no way I could do that again.
I’m getting the work thing somewhat worked out so I can start working on working next week. It’s 100% commission so I’ll be working hard at trying to figure out exactly what I’m doing. Staying at home with the kids all the time and being completely responsible for the house is a whole new thing for me so part of me is glad to be getting a break and having the time to do some grown up stuff. My days are consumed with cleaning, putting dishes away, sweeping the floors, ironing Papa’s shirts, laundry, making meals, parenting and cleaning, cleaning, and more cleaning. It takes a lot of work to keep up with the housecleaning. Not complaining, not one bit. I actually don’t mind cleaning but with seven people in our home, it’s almost non-stop. With Papa working during the days, I’ll be able to get my much smaller chores done early and have the rest of the day to work for myself. At least until 2…
Because they don’t have a vehicle big enough to transport all the kids at once, they have asked that I help pick up until they are able to get their own family vehicle. Once Red found out his schedule we have worked it out that I will pick up the older girls from school 4 days a week and drop them off at their house. We have agreed to keep the peace and for the sake of the kids. At first I was not happy about it but Papa calmed me saying it’s only temporary after having explained my worries that I know Red well enough that he will take advantage of this for as long as he possible can. Papa understands my concerns and they will only have a certain amount of time before they need to get on their own two feet.
Now that things are getting settled, I let the couple we have been chatting with know that we now have our schedule worked out and have 2 weekends in a row freed up. At first, she said they would check their weekend schedule and let us know. Then…nothing… I inquired as to how their schedule was looking and…nothing…I told Papa I thought maybe I felt something was off. Late that night, he messaged and said they really want to meet us and they’re trying to move things around. Their texting patterns have changed drastically so Papa and I are thinking this is yet another couple who either got cold feet or they’re totally flakey. Like Papa said, “Eh, whatevs!” Lol. I told Papa I was Jack’s complete lack of surprise. I have no faith in couples or much in playing in general because we have been burned so many times. Today they said good morning and she said she’s been busy with work and homework etc. It’s just a hunch but I doubt anything comes of that.