We met the couple we’ve been talking to for a few weeks last night. It was a casual, platonic meeting for dinner. She’s definitely more talkative and interactive in person than she is on text. He’s funny and easy to talk to, just like on text. We ended up sharing stories about how each couple met, our backgrounds and such. There was some ex-bashing. They’re even newer together as a couple. Her recently divorced and him just separated. It was an entertaining dinner. Nice to get out and be a little social.
On the way home, Papa played the numbers game again. On a scale of one to ten, how interested and/or willing was I to play, where was the attraction, etc. The question in my head is how much does attraction matter when it’s just play? A little at least, obviously. But it doesn’t necessarily have to be off the charts either. I told Papa I’m not attracted to her but that doesn’t mean she isn’t doable. Moderate attraction to him but again, doesn’t mean he isn’t doable. Papa rebuffed, saying if I’m not all that attracted then what’s the point? I said the last couple we talked to, He wasn’t all that attracted to the guy half yet He was still willing to meet and even possibly play. That didn’t go over so well once I pointed out His willingness despite lack of attraction. He couldn’t deny it and even accepted it. The conversation faded down as we came home and sat out on the patio. Papa got a foot rub, which He loves and had a cigar. We chatted about some other things but eventually the conversation rolled around to the couple and playing again..
We went around and around about it, He got annoyed with me because my excitement about playing has dulled considerably. I think it’s mostly due to the fact that the majority of our playing experiences have not turned out to be anything great, especially on the couples end of it. He asked me if I were a unicorn, would I play with them? I thought about it for a couple of seconds but my reaction was no. That fueled Papa’s annoyance further. I couldn’t adequately explain that that wasn’t a fair question because it’s a different situation with just me joining them or all four of us playing together. Much like our sexual experiences do not mirror having a third join us. Papa wants me to be giddy and excited about playing whereas I’m more cautious and reserved. He pulled the ultimate question out….how much do I even really wants to continue playing? I said it’s around a 3. I knew He wouldn’t like that answer at all but I have to be honest with Him. By this time, I was upset myself and trying to explain to to Papa that I don’t want to be selfish, I want Him to have these experiences. I said that part of my submission is making Him happy, being able to give Him the things He wants. Papa said that part of being my Dom is protecting me from myself. After more discussion and some tears, He got though to me, making me see the importance of me being just as excited and wanting to play. At the end of it all, it’s not good enough for me to go along with playing, to be reserved or cautious. In order for it to be fun for either of us, I need to want it. I need to be excited about it. But right now, I’m just neutral.
I have to stand up for myself, He says. I have to make up my own mind, He says. I have to take control of this part of my life, He says. It just isn’t that easy! I’m conflicted and I’m cautious. I don’t know how to get back to being enthusiastic.