Adjustment

We’ve been here a little over three months and the last few weeks have proven a little challenging. This is an adjustment for me. First, living in a whole new state. I lived in Vegas since 1986, it’s where I grew up and made all my friends though it never seemed to fit quite right. I was never completely happy there. Now I’m on the east coast and hardly know anyone. I have family here but we aren’t exceptionally close. Unfortunately I’ve never been the best at making friends or figuring out how to meet people other than the online aspect and work.  Add onto that that I’m not working, which is definitely a first for me. Seeing as I haven’t exactly had the best stay-at-home-mom role models, I haven’t had a whole lot of respect for them. The ones I’ve known were incredibly spoiled, spent oodles of money and had housekeepers and nannies while NOT working. I could never quite figure out just what they did with their time. Oh yea….shopped! Then there was Stripe. She wasn’t the best example either. Her house was a mess when her and Papa lived together. Dishes and laundry everywhere and the only time I really saw their place clean was when they had their Christmas party that first year. Couple that with feeling guilty that Papa is supporting me….there’s been a big whirlwind of crappy emotions inside me lately. When the kids aren’t with me, I get incredibly bored and lonely. It’s not that I don’t have things to do, it’s boredom with being alone. Papa has told me I need to focus on the things I have to be thankful for to help me out of this funk. He has a good point, I need to be reminded of the time I get to spend with the kids, the time that I didn’t get to spend with them last year because I was working and Stripe watched them all the time. I do appreciate it, maybe not every single moment because there are some hard ones when I want to pull my hair out, but I am thankful we are finally in a position where I get to have that time with them. It’s getting through the weeks when they’re gone that are proving to be difficult. I have no choice but to depend on Papa for the love and attention that I need and crave. The hardest part is when somthing else comes up and brings all this boiling to the surface at the same time. He said I need to figure out what I’m feeling and why. I know what it is and I don’t know how to get past it. I don’t value what I’m doing enough and therefore feel like a drag on Papa instead of contributing to our household. He reminds me of the opposite all the time. There’s the first step: I know what it is I’m feeling. Now I need to figure out how to pull myself out. 

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