Home Front

Still no word…it’s been quiet on the home front. We have absolutely no idea what’s going on. Her mom claimed she didn’t give them any money last week to help pay for their rent and when she tried to talk to them about what they are going to do, she said they totally shut down on her.  I can believe that, that’s definitely something they would both do when faced with difficult questions or conversations they don’t want to have with someone. 

On one hand I hope they get kicked out and we have the kids full time. Stripe cannot parent six children. She isn’t organized or motivated to do so. And I don’t think she has ever really came to terms with being a step-mom and taking on three more kids.  It’s not easy. Integrating a family takes work, patience and lots of love. On the other hand, I hope they find some way to succeed and overcome their difficulties. They do have a child after all…

A part of me was a little angry and resentful that after all the time and support I had given Red to straighten up and do right, he finally does as I leave him. He was getting his shit together and he had told Stripe that he would work two jobs before she would ever have to work. But then learning of this new development, sounded like Red had fallen back into this old patterns. I thought at one time that it was me, he never really got himself together because he never really had to. I had always found a way to make things work. Mostly thanks to my parents who didn’t ask too many questions when I would come to them for help. Now I see it wasn’t me. Stripe didn’t force him to keep his shit together either. It isn’t her. It’s him. He’s screw up. Simple as that.  And a selfish one at that. A selfish, lying screw-up. I’m beyond relieved that I don’t have to deal with his fuck-ups anymore. I don’t have that stress in my life anymore. I don’t have to try and figure out how to make it until next month or literally take my bank account down to the last dollar and make groceries stretch as far as possible. I don’t have to worry about what’s around the next corner or wondering if he’s going to come home and tell me again that another job let him go for this reason or that, while in the back of my mind, I’m doubting every word that comes out of his mouth. Yet no longer having the strength to confront him because he will make me doubt why I’m doubting him and making me feel insane and end up doubting myself. I almost feel bad for Stripe. I know exactly what she’s going through and how deep and dark of a place it can take you. But she did choose him, didn’t she? She told Papa at one point that she couldn’t wait to be rid of Him. If I believed in fate, I could say that this was what she was fated for. In reality she plays the martyr and victim roles really well. 

In other news, we have a motorcycle again! So nice that we get to go on rides again and now we get to explore southern Florida. The weather is absolutely gorgeous. It’s in the mid to high 70’s almost every day and sunny. Perfect riding weather. This bike is beautiful and my seat is comfy. We are planning our first big ride for Sunday!  So very excited! 

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